COUCH POTATO: ‘Horrendous din’ of X Factor final looms
2:56pm Friday 13th December 2013 in News
Thirty wasted weekend nights later and we’re at Wembley Arena for the live final.
What then, if anything, can we take away from the grimmest series yet of X Factor, which celebrated its 10th anniversary fittingly on its landmark nine years, two months and 19 days birthday?
Apart from earplugs and a deep sense of regret, obviously.
Well, quite a lot in fact.
Strumming an acoustic guitar has been elevated to the status of “bravery”.
The Flash Vote (RIP, 12/10/13 - 26/10/13) and Sharon Osbourne’s return proved disastrous.
And, above all, we’ll know not to bother tuning in if there’s no comedy act in next year’s live shows.
There was just one moment of levity, when Xtra Factor no-show Sharon Osbourne did her melted Wicked Witch of the West impression by leaving her shoes on the desk.
But the dullest ever final – eclipsing 2007’s Leon Jackson, Rhydian and Same Difference – caps a series doomed to safe mediocrity when they ditched that yodelling tool at Bootcamp.
It’s been mirrored by judges’ comments like: “Luke, you’re a very consistent singer,” and, “Nicholas, you’re so dependable,” and Dermot O’Leary reading out an Ed Balls tweet.
Solitary possible pop star Tamera Foster bit the dust the moment she finally managed not to give the subtitle writers a night off by remembering her lyrics.
Then Rough Copy, the only mildly edgy act left (and I’m being hugely generous there), were kicked off by a panel who resolutely refuse to make the decisions for which they’re paid a fortune, passing the buck back to the public vote.
That’s left foregone conclusion winner Sam Bailey, Louis Walsh’s “little Johnny Depp” Luke Friend, who Nicole Scherzinger called a “rare breed” (a bergamasco sheepdog, to be precise – Google image search it) and a Grampian ITV regional weatherman.
Officially he’s named Nicholas McDonald.
Unofficially he’s “a little Gary Barlow”, despite not even being a little Howard Donald, and was told by Walsh: “We forget you’re only 17.”
At least we would, if he and Osbourne hadn’t banged on about his age for so long that he’s aged one year since the start.
They care more about that than the fact his Halo by Beyonce was the most horrendous din X Factor has produced since Diana Vickers.
“I ain’t never going to shut you OWW-OOWWWWWT!”
Though on the plus side, his time on the show has taught him how to operate a Zanussi automatic washing machine. (Reach for the stars, kids.)
What really undid X Factor, even more than the dreadful standard of singing, were the four judges.
Gary, Nicole, Louis and Zuul telling Nicholas to stop crying last Saturday rivals any of this show’s all-time hypocrisy.
Osbourne has fought the audience from day one, Walsh is an irrelevance and Barlow has got out two series too late.
By contrast, Scherzinger’s completely off her chops: “Sam, when I listen to your voice, hoo! Shiitake mushrooms!” and should probably stop taking the mushrooms.
I’m giving the last say, however, to Sam Bailey who, back in disco week, closed the show with a song that’s a heartfelt request from the nation to X Factor.
No More Tears (Enough Is Enough).
This week’s Spudulikes...
ITV4’s Keane and Vieira: Best of Enemies.
Barack Obama’s Mandela memorial speech.
Master chocolatier Paul Wayne Gregory’s creation of Phillip Schofield’s face on This Morning looking more like the blind girl’s Lionel Richie in the Hello video.
The Wright Stuff insult-machine Richard Madeley on hearing guest Myleene Klass lost half a stone on I’m A Celebrity: “That’s not much. Mind you, you weren’t that fat when you went in.”
Attraction on The Royal Variety Performance, plus host John Bishop introducing the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory musical: “This is the only performance we’ll see four Charlies on stage.” What with JLS disbanding.
And June “Dot Cotton” Brown recalling the first time she watched EastEnders, on The One Show: “I saw Lou Beale and Pauline having a row and I thought, ‘Oh, I can’t watch all this shouting’, so I didn’t bother.” I can’t compete with that.
This week’s Spuduhates...
The disappointment that Tom Daley wasn’t on I’m A Celebrity... Coming Out.
MasterChef: The Professionals’ final week becoming a deconstructed X Factor with a “comfort zones” reduction.
The Minute Mart tinsel that magically moved itself on EastEnders’ hastily crowbarred, saccharin-sweet, continuity-challenged Mandela scene.
ITV News promoting self-appointed lecturer Bono to the position of “world leader”.
Monty Halls and Japan’s Atlantis taking 58 minutes to answer the question: “Is this Japan’s Atlantis or just a lump of rock?” with: “Any conclusive evidence has been lost to the eroding powers of the ocean.”
C5’s two-hour Littlewoods catalogue advertorial The Great Christmas Toy Giveaway becoming the most cynical primetime telly I’ve seen.
And Newsnight failing to spell “ethinic” and calling The Shard “the tallest building in Europe”. Which it is. Unless you count the 100ft taller Mercury City Tower in Moscow.
Comments are closed on this article.