LIVE now to Borehamwood where Emma Willis has this breaking news: “It’s all been kicking off in the house tonight.”
But don’t you worry about that, loyal viewers. The meddlers at Channel 5 will put a stop to that, pronto. They’re going through with the least needed, most unwelcome twist in the show’s history, a tired old fake double eviction. that amounted to a cooling off period.
And like that, on Wednesday evening, the compelling train wreck that was Celebrity Big Brother’s best ever start to a series shuddered to a halt.
It’s had it all. Romance, deception, cheating, envy, fury, tears, a hot-tub lesbian kiss, saucy shenanigans away from prying eyes in the loo, and a love triangle between Blue’s Lee Ryan, an American named Jasmine Waltz and the injured party in the affair, glamour model Casey Batchelor. It came to a head on Day 6, at which point C5 thought it necessary to stick its oar in when the entertainment was taking care of itself, pluck Ryan and Batchelor out of the house and squirrel them away in a secret room. Truly beggars belief.
It was like Vesuvius had blown its top and the channel was tackling the pyroclastic flow with a tea towel.
And no amount of bickering between the pair in CBB’s bolthole over Lee Ryan’s bed-hopping and emotional manipulation could make up for the absence of the other woman, Waltz.
There was no need for such outside interference, especially as the show has been a delight from the moment the celebs were handcuffed in pairs on entry.
The result was instant smooching and no hiding place for the quieter, more refined contestants like Lionel Blair, who The Apprentice’s Luisa Zissman mistook for Lionel Richie. Really, she did. Everyone but Towie’s Sam Faiers has contributed.
N-Dubz prune Dappy, fearing a quick exit, played his entire deck of cards in a hurry – acting the class clown and boasting about his manhood.
His opening-night attempt to explain who he was to former world heavyweight boxing champion Evander Holyfield will live long in the memory. Sperm-stealing newspaper columnist Liz Jones has the haunting presence of an extra from Prisoner: Cell Block H.
Jim Davidson’s bared his soul more than anyone and emerged with great credit.
Unchained from him, confrontational beast Linda Nolan decided he’d upset her for reasons that don’t stack up. Then again, as Davidson said in relation to Liz Jones: “You’ve got to let bonkers people have their views.”
I have to give props to C5 for a cracking line-up andThe best task since Gods and Mortals in 2012 was the Alien Invasion which began with the Geordie announcement: “9.03am. It’s been 31 minutes since Lee and Liz were taken into the spaceship to undergo experiments. First up, Liz and an electric lightning wand.”
It included Lionel Blair replying to a UFO in the garden via an “intergalactic space trumpet”, a moment that still makes me laugh on the 10th viewing.
But equally I must take issue with C5. the channel. It issued Holyfield with an official warning for “offensive behaviour” because it didn’t agree with his ludicrous views on gay people, yet took no action against drunken embarrassment Waltz for offending Blair on opening night.
It’s the fake double eviction that shames it most, however, which leaves me with two hopes.
That the series’ momentum hasn’t been lost by the time Ryan and Batchelor re-enter the main house tonight. And that if it has, the aliens return with their electric lightning wand.
I know a TV channel they could experiment on.
This week’s Couch Potato Spudulikes...
Paddy McGuinness holding Take Me Out together.
Benedict Cumberbatch holding BBC’s finest comedy Sherlock together. (It is a comedy, right?)
Dara O’Briain declaring: “It’s already an historic episode of Stargazing Live which features actual stars being gazed at live,” rather than clouds for the first time.
And the certain magic of BBC2’s BDO World Darts Championship that’s missing from the rival PDC drink-all-you-can beer festival on Sky Sports.
Especially this from Colin Murray: “Only at the Lakeside would you get a three-time world champion up against a Canadian called David Cameron.
“Up after this one, Stephen Bunting against Barack Obama.”
This week’s Couch Potato Spuduhates...
Celebrity Mastermind allowing Sherlock as a specialist subject from just six episodes.
National Television Awards allowing Sherlock on its shortlists despite not being on TV for the whole of 2013.
ITV assuming anyone wanted the return of Birds of a Feather.
ITV assuming anyone wanted the return of Splash! from “the theatre of diving dreams in Luton”.
US foodie Anthony Bourdain describing C4’s The Taste as: “A cookery competition like no other,” when it owes everything to The Voice, The Face, X Factor, Great British Bake Off’s winners’ aprons and Gregg Wallace’s big MasterChef spoonfuls.
And Dancing On Ice viewers voting out Hollyoaks’ Jorgie Porter, denying us 10 weeks of glorious awkwardness with skating partner Sylvain Longchambon who cheated on her best friend Jennifer Metcalfe. Damn them.