COUCH POTATO: ITV’s obsession with Wright is plain wrong
11:02am Friday 28th February 2014 in News
ITV2. Bless their cotton socks.
They still haven't given up hope of making Mark Wright their torch bearer.
He's fronted a Take Me Out spin-off show, been snuck as a cameo this month on The Big Reunion and The Brits: Backstage and was even sent to Hollywood with his mates, in 2012, for some structured reality cobblers watched by me and at least 17 others.
Give it up as a bad job, you'd think they'd conclude.
But this is ITV2, TV's dumbest channel.
So we now have Party Wright Around The World, a series made to fit around the title, which began with a large animated wooden crate dropped on him from a great height.
On first glance, the good ideas ended there, sadly.
"He's on a mission," you see, "to sprinkle his Essex party magic around the world," organising a shindig for people he's never met.
Television for television's sake.
Don't, however, doubt the bloke's credentials.
"I've got a few rules that I know make a good party," he explained.
"Firstly, location. Have a theme. Music. And most importantly, people."
That's right, you need people - news to everyone out there who's decided to have a birthday bash with no guests.
Wright took this mantra, in Wednesday's opener, to Miami's gay scene to arrange a party for fun-loving Joanna - who came with a sob story, naturally - and he predictably started vocalising the show's own review.
"I would rather this episode not go ahead."
"This was an absolute disaster."
"This is absolutely obscene. This is absolutely ridiculous. I can't believe what I'm doing here."
Yet with these words it suddenly became apparent that there may, after all, have been a point to all this.
Unlike Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights where he was in charge of events, the producers have decided to make him the butt of the joke.
So what transpired was an hour of the bloke not wanting to dress up in drag and dance Latino style "with four left feet" for Joanna.
Without which, the narrator informed us, the night just wouldn't be the same: "The party is two days away and Mark can't turn up without being able to salsa."
Quite why a man from Essex who she'd never heard of had to do this was swept under the carpet.
But behind his back the crew, I suspect, cancelled the salsa troupe Wright had booked and even got Corrie's Michelle Keegan to persuade her fiancé to become "Marquita", who looked weirdly styled on Peter Andre.
And the little trooper took the bait, albeit under protest: "This is a bit uncomfortable for me."
"I feel very uncomfortable doing it."
"The thought of it makes me extremely uncomfortable."
"Dressing up as a woman is something I was very, very uncomfortable with."
Well then why didn't you say?
Televised party planning with an Essex plank is obviously a stupid idea, even for ITV2.
But, whisper it, if they do this to him every time, I might be in danger of staying tuned.
At least for next week's episode which sees him sleeping wild in the bear-infested Canadian wilderness.
Which might make him feel... what's the word, Mark?
Couch Potato Spudulikes...
Keeley Hawes in Line of Duty, which just gets better despite its failure to understand how open justice works (no need to tip off the press if a cop has already appeared in court).
Sky Atlantic's True Detective.
Ant & Dec's I'm A Celebrity... Get Out Of Me Ear genius on Saturday Night Takeaway.
All-Star Family Fortunes revealing Sinitta has an aunt named Pearly Gates.
South Korea's Winter Olympics Closing Ceremony performance mercifully omitting Gangnam Style.
Nat Geo's programme info for Evacuate Earth: "Experts examine if a pandemic caused by a mutated rabies virus could turn humanity into a race of vicious, seething zombies..." with hilarious consequences.
And Take Me Out's greatest putdown: Jason: "If you come on a date to my house, I would get to Asda, massive pizza, three quid, bottle of wine for a tenner, that's 13 quid. Bang!"
Sophie: "So how long have you been single?"
Couch Potato Spuduhates...
Sport Relief bizarrely adding to TV's dogs obsession with a pro-celebrity handlers show.
Top Gear booking Jack Whitehall as its Star in a Reasonably Priced Car, despite the small detail he cannot drive.
BBC News imaging anyone gives a damn about an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical flop.
This Morning's inability to spell "Ecstacy".
Wham-themed B&B comedy Edge of Heaven, the Andrew Ridgeley of sitcoms.
Dreadful BBC3 crimper contest Hair (today, gone tomorrow).
Wanted knife attacker Stacey Slater ludicrously visiting a prison with nobody batting an eyelid, in EastEnders.
And Alex Jones' The One Show return from a Sport Relief trip to typhoon-hit Philippines: "I was there looking at the effects of the deva-tasting... deva-stacey... it's been a long day."
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