AH, the stunning Pyrenees of tiny Andorra, nestling between France and Spain.

A scene of breathtaking peaks, sheer drops and snaking roads set to the sound of lilting cowbells, mountain goats, chirruping wildlife… and ex-cricketer Darren Gough projectile vomiting onto the roadside.

He’s one of eight chumps C5 are training for an amateur cycling race over a stage of the Tour de France, on a four-part series they’ve imaginatively called Tour de Celeb, when they could have chosen Charge of the Lycra Brigade.

It’s even worse than it sounds, completely pointless and the roster has all the reality TV/talent show usual suspects.

There’s Louie Spence (The Jump 2015, Dancing on Ice) showing off his bruised buttock to all and sundry, Jodie Kidd (The Jump 2015), Olympic champion Amy Williams (The Jump mentor 2014-15), Gough (The Jump 2014, Strictly) and fellow ex-Hole In The Wall captain Austin Healey (Strictly).

Completing the D-list peloton is Hugo Taylor (I’m A Celebrity, Made In Chelsea), Lucy Mecklenburgh (Tumble, Towie) and Angellica Bell (71 Degrees North, CelebAir).

For reasons I can’t get my head around, they’ve shoved this out in the 7pm Monday slot, while still having Hugo Taylor shout uncensored, in both episodes so far, and the continuity man’s flippant disclaimer of “mildly offensive language”.

There is, indeed, much to despise here, not least the fact they’re all trying to talk up a complete non-event.

Narrator Rick Edwards described it as “TV’s toughest challenge” and “the most brutal test of them all”, having clearly never watched C4’s SAS: Who Dares Wins.

Austin Healey even warned: “There’s a good chance you’ll get seriously hurt or you will die.”

It’s riding a bike up and down some slopes, for heaven’s sake.

Well, it should be, except Angellica Bell initially couldn’t even get on or off the thing without coming a cropper.

And Lucy Mecklenburgh, constantly on the edge of tears, got spooked falling off next to traffic and is now dismounting at the top of hills and walking down.

So good luck with the mountainous L’Etape du Tour ride you’re training for.

With Healey, though, the ego has well and truly landed: “I like being competitive, but if they beat me, great, because it will be a big achievement. It will be a massive achievement, to be perfectly honest.”

He’s also providing some unwelcome mental images: “No, I haven’t wet myself, although, to be fair, I did come pretty close. A little bit of poo nearly came out.”

That was the same episode we were treated to the sound of Gough throwing up in the Pyrenees after becoming heavily dehydrated on a mountain climb after downing shots of vodka into the small hours the night before.

The celebs seem to be writing the show’s own review: “This is hideous.” “Angellica hits an all-time low.” “This is just pain. It really is pain.”

But the sheer desperation of Tour de Celeb was encapsulated by Amy Williams while attempting to catch Gough on the Andorra ride: “I’m just going to keep pedalling and hope that I see Darren Gough’s backside.”

That Olympic gold medal must seem a lifetime away.

Spudulikes…

C4 family drama This Is Us.

Dan Waddell’s beautiful The One Show film about his late darts commentator dad Sid.

Liz Bonnin’s joy on discovering her ancestral plantation owners married and freed slaves, on Who Do You Think You Are?

Snowball the head-banging cockatoo and Ronan the sea lion dancing to composer Nitin Sawhney’s specially written music, on Sky Arts’ The Animal Symphony.

Ex-Strictly pro James Jordan accepting the truth on I’m A Celebrity… Coming Out: “My name’s James Jordan, better known as Ola Jordan’s husband.”

And The Apprentice’s Grainne getting sloshed making gin: “I’ve had a really int-trintersting eshperiensh in this dishtillery.” So no, I can’t explain why she losht the tashk either.

Spuduhates…

Strictly Come Dancing’s Ed Balls vacuum.

Pointless Celebrities repeats on primetime Saturday night.

I’m A Celebrity wanting Scarlett Moffatt to win.

EastEnders’ Walford Gazette failing to send a reporter to interview the Carters about the Queen Vic armed robbery.

C4’s Finding My Twin Stranger, with seven unrelated “doppelganger” pairs undergoing scientific tests, hampered by one small problem — none of them looked alike.

And Holly Willoughby on This Morning’s maternity special from St Thomas’s Hospital in London: “You join us at a very special time. We never thought this was going to happen today, but we’re actually joined by Natalia who is currently in labour.” A woman in labour, you say? At a maternity ward? What are the chances?!