The eternal parental dilemma, how do you explain to your growing boy, the facts of life ? In my day it was a furtive peek over the outside toilet doors in the schoolyard, or outright bribery with the sherbet dabs. Should I attempt the old and time-worn approach of insectual explanations aka the Birds and bees ? Wot !! it's impossible anyway for them to reproduce isn't it ? Wot's the point ?
Come from under a gooseberry bush may raise issues as well, he knows we only grow Dahlias....I doubted my lad will go for that.... he can operate a computer and an Xbox, while listening to an ipod simultaneously, we'd insult is intelligence.
He originally thought babies came from Sainsbury's according to his teacher, which is a puzzle to us as we never shop there, someone gives us some vouchers free for the school that's all..... and his mum is allergic to orange .... last week he came home and had decided babies came from IKEA for some reason.... I thought they only sold furniture and spoke an obscure Swedish dialect ? You won't catch us Brits rolling starkers in the Snow I can tell you... and the cold makes everything smaller...
I decided it was time to grasp this particular nettle and asked to talk to his teacher about how to go about it (Not the sex, I've got Health and Efficiency, and a photo of Ena Sharples for that), so I went up to the school and had this sort of conversation....
She was a female, so I had to overcome my natural assumptions they know nothing at all about procreation and babies, I mean, they just go off to hospital and pick them up don't they ? or about male norty bits, they haven't a clue themselves, so I explained erm..... "How can I put this, he's erm discovered his willy..." (this triggered an outbreak of hysterics !), "He has also discovered it 'grows' a bit if he touches it or rubs up against something, we have had to totally re-arrange the furniture.... (Complete hysterics from the teacher !!), he wants to know why because he isn't in need of a pee.." (She's rolling on the bluddy floor now !!!)
After she calmed down a bit, I said "we should show him a united front on this", (She's started giggling again now..), " so our stories don't go off in different directions, or he'll get confused, he takes things very literally, if we say birds and bees we could be in the deep stuff pretty quick, I don't want him trying to hump the wildlife... he could get a nasty sting somewhere... and it took me 6 years to grow that rose bush and train it..."
"We advise at this stage..", the teacher said, "You NOT discuss sexual things with your child at all, half the girls in his class are on the pill as it is... the other half in the school creche..."
I said "He knows something is going on, he wants me to teach him to shave... I was a bit puzzled he has no facial hair... the mind boggled a bit." "It's best if it comes from them..." she said, I said "As I am aware it hasn't gone that far yet..." So..... ! HOW do I approach explaining the facts of life to my child ?
"You don't, " the teacher says, "They are in enough confusion without you adding to it...try the time worn approach all parents tend to do, i.e. "Take him aside and say, "Do you understand where babies come from ? If he says no, thank God and pray, then say GOOD, then forget about it.... If he says yes, THEN WORRY !"
Mid week wonders... The sun is out, it is depressing, Gill has explained all, you have to feel sorry for those cooped up in control rooms watching CCTV cameras and having to put up with these people, setting fashion back 2,000 years... and exposing enough skin to cover 3rd degree burns in their entirety in the 3rd world.... Cover it up for God's sake.... My top 22 this week...
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A bloke walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy..."
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "You're no Twiggy yourself..!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice of them."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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