A life of Pate (From South Wales Argus)

A life of Pate

9:05am Thursday 2nd October 2008

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I was reading on one site amongst mutual cyber-maniacs, and one topic was about Duck/Orange Pate' which triggered off a wealth of knowledgeable comments from friends I though only knew with extreme difficulty, how to order a pizza from the nearest take-away.

"Should be mixed with generous helpings of tomatoe sauce with a side-serving of baked beans, in these frugal times", was one educated comment I read... (I tend to mix in educated circles, not with the hoi polloi).

My food expertise only extends to dairylea on toast, assuming I can find where the bread gets hidden.

I'm alway suss of Pate' it looks like something the cow left behind..... I had to watch the grinning ninnies on TV who do these cookery programs wiv 'erbs and grass thrown in wiv 'rustic' nosh, and see if I am missing something, and if alternatives exist to chips..... and to think my old dad was a waiter in a swish London Hotel at one time serving the gentry... you know, them people that have 7 knives and forks/spoons every meal, is it in case they drop one, or are the just showing off ?

All I know was what me dad told me, start on the outside work your way in or something... I tend to get thrown with the ice cream or sorbet, they give you a fork AND a spoon or something, or is that the soup?

So I end up with the last course with two forks and 4 spoons for some reason.... there I am hacking away at me steak with them...... I tried watching a cookery show, it was quite beyond me, they talked about kitchens, saucepans, grills, pasta and all sorts of weird and wonderful things, like salt/peppers from the middle east, I didn't know existed.. I thought salt was a killer ?

Perhaps if you wash it down with some Patagonian lager at threepence a gallon you don't notice... they seem to use quite a lot of it, that, and make snide comments about Mrs Beeton... who died of obesity from partridge puddings and pickled sow with buttered pigeon.... they don't like Delia either cos she has a rubbish football team, and cooks food people actually eat... I have ordered her latest book on "How to boil an egg", now that IS something useful. I just hope she does a large print version...

I learnt an interesting fact about beluga, which is as I understand it fish eggs, which is rather an UN-PC thing these days according to the SPS the sturgeon protection society, which sees it as fish genocide or something. How did it get its name ? apparently long ago in downtown Vladivostok in some cheap dive, it was served as a delicacy to a Russian bigwig on a slice of ryvita, he took a mouthful and the threw up over the table exclaiming "Beluga !" which roughly translated means "I am suing you for the dry-cleaning bill", another view was an Armenian Jew, in Tel Aviv had some and promptly "Beluga'd.." over the table... anyway.

I think the chances of me cooking a joint of beef or something borders on the realms of utter fantasy, how would you get it in the oven ? You learn lots of stuff to be sure, e.g. if, you forget to peel your spuds, then just call them rustic and everyone is happy, you suddenly become trendy and everyone wants one, I think I can manage that. Amazingly, none of these TV chefs actually COOK in their own take aways, they can't fit it in between TV appearances, so you go to their restaurant and get some third-rater,with a fag in their mouth, is cooking you beans on toast (With a warm side salad), and serving you coffee in a thimble. Another tip is to ask for your meat to be 'rare', apprently this entails only cooking the outside and leaving the inside raw and bleeding, I'm not too sure about that. I think a joint of Lamb still bleating at me would be off-putting.

One bloke cooking with a suit on (I thought they wore pinnies and silly hats ?), and a face a rather bright orange, was enthusing about some unprintable kipper from the north sea, that is lovely cooked with egg pasta or something with a load of lemon grass thrown on the top. A lot seems to be vegetarian country, they should all be out in the fields chewing grass, and when they are fat enough we will cook and eat them. I hate healthy food, most people that eat it look like they would blow away in the wind, and are very boring and patronizing people.. they usually end up clothes horses.

You often get some silly tart nibbling away at the grub at the end, clearly there 'cos the interesting people have better things to do, trying to name-drop, "Einstein once came to tea, he liked my implant, and spam fritters... curved ones.." obviously terrified a calorie is going to settle somewhere, and her life as a nobody on TV, really will disappear.. or it will entail an expensive visit to the Botox clinic, or health spar, the upside being she can sell her life story as a non-entity and how an inch on her hips led to the total breakdown of her perfume endorsement empire, her shopping trips 4 times a day, and flashing her knickers in night clubs twice a week, and her feckless and bald loser of a footy playing layabout, who can't afford a razor, has moved on to size point 5 or something... apparently it is about eating a lot less but smothered in green stuff no self respecting herbivore would take a sniff at. I also noticed when they do 'sweets', they smother the stuff with icing, fried and caramelized bananas (You know, the ones that did it for Elvis), and sugar with enough heart attacks in it, to fill a medium size hospital ward, and keep a diabetic clinic going for a month of sundays.... Apparently, less is more, so I am going to open a restaurant called Chez Merv and just serve them empty plates at £30 a throw.... and charge them for their own water...I have to come around to the view healthy food is actually bad for your health, it's only healthy if you avoid eating it. I was comforted by a farming science paper online that suggested, researchers monitored a 100 pigs, then declared, "Pigs have a life of Riley, and actually look forward to being killed at the end of it to satisfy our hunger, they feel it's a useful and productive life they lead...", hear hear, pass the pork chops

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