ANYONE fortunate enough to miss the shocking moment in the house, on Monday night, would believe I’m making this up.

Hollywood actor Gary Busey’s dodgy knee went twang so, with no warning, he whipped down his trousers, revealing he was going commando, planted his bare bum on the kitchen chair and moved his exposed todger aside to adjust his brace.

I’m not sure which was funniest.

James Jordan’s rabbit-in-the-headlights bewildered horror.

George from Gogglebox declaring: “I’m not a professional. I don’t know how to deal with that situation.”

Or Dee Kelly telling the diary room: “I didn’t expect to come into the kitchen and see Gary Busey’s bits.”

As Channel 5’s continuity man had announced: “This is not your typical Celebrity Big Brother.”

It certainly isn’t. In fact CBB XIV has been so good I’d place it fourth on the all-time list. Believe me, that’s a compliment.

But there are good reasons why it falls short of the three immense Lee Ryan, George Galloway and Julie Goodyear series.

Too many wasted bookings, too much meddling by producers trying to engineer rows which were already blowing up and way too much focus on non-events like the Towie/Geordie Shore will they, won’t they?

They didn’t, for the record, and it was clear from the outset that Lauren Goodger and Ricci Somebody never would, given the minor inconvenience that she wasn’t interested.

Romance spices up any reality show (see also CBB XIII starring that prat from Blue), but only if there’s any prospect of it in the first place.

Ricci’s solitary contribution was having his delicate self-esteem pricked by a viewer’s brutal complaint that he’s dull during the brilliant call centre task, while Lauren’s was claiming: “The media already slag me off, so if I say silly things it will affect me more than anyone else.”

Which got this magical reply from James Jordan: “So don’t say silly things.”

Indeed, the assembled egos’ staggering lack of self-awareness and sense of irony has delivered extraordinary scenes.

James Jordan telling Audley Harrison: “You’re very bossy.”

Busey nominating Jordan: “He doesn’t listen while others are talking and interrupts at any time.”

And Harrison claiming George Gilbey isn’t a proper celebrity. I’m still chuckling at that one.

It’s a testament to the strength of this series that it absorbed the eviction of its two biggest, most volatile horrors – Frenchy and Kellie Morgan – mid-run without the entertainment suffering.

Likewise the disgraceful, PC, double standards that overlooked Maloney’s violent threats but led to Harrison warned for “feeling a little uncomfortable” that the person he’s known 30 years as Frank is now living as a woman.

The series survived these knocks because it’s had at its core the fantastically watchable, condescending twerp Jordan and the MVP, impossibly rude Busey, in his 32nd incarnation.

The “messenger of hope, truth and love” possesses not a single good manner and spouts cryptic thoughts like: “Rectangle monkey hoops are alive.” (Ahhh.)

He’s a force of nature, professional interrupter and a keen learner of life lessons (like not pulling his jeans down in the kitchen again): “I understand what it is when the British public saves you. And that’s the truth.”

“A conflict has got to be put out to pasture, exonerated like a raging bull in a rodeo. And that’s the truth.”

He’s had Jordan’s number, as Jordan has had his with this assessment of Busey: “Hollywood legend, complete and utter a***hole...”

... ideal CBB contestant.

And that’s the truth.

This week’s Couch Potato Spudulikes...

Dave Gorman: Modern Life Is Goodish, on Dave.

Strictly’s annual “ballroom blind date” pairings and group dance promising a shed load more than the uninspiring line-up suggests.

Sprinklers showering Adrian Chiles and his pitchside pals before Switzerland v England.

Prince Harry’s Invictus Games (it’s no Prince Edward’s It’s A Royal Knockout.)

The welcome return of crazies on The X Factor, especially legend-in-her-own-mind Raign (this year’s Katie Waissel) who everyone but Cheryl grasped must go through.

This Morning resuming normal business with “the woman groped in bed by a ghost”.

And C4 taxidermy doc All Creatures Great & Small’s narration: “Having already seen a flying cat and an ejaculating hedgehog, I had no idea that things were about to get even stranger.”

This week’s Couch Potato Spuduhates...

BBC1 plugging a CBBC show at 8.59pm on a school night.

Strictly’s three-week hiatus and the prospect of Tess Daly’s tennis/rugby/cooking/antiques puns.

Bake Off cheating fans by eliminating zero contestants in European cake week, and allowing an Israeli pudding “because it’s in Eurovision”.

Cora’s nightmarish Marilyn impression singing Happy Birthday to Stan, on EastEnders. (Manson, not Monroe.)

This Morning’s Jeff Brazier with “all the gossip from the TV Choice Awards” except the only bit worth sharing, Danny Dyer licking Mary Berry’s ear at the podium.

And Good Morning Britain flashing up the captions “hosptial”, “chariman” and “indepedent” in the week it launched a child literacy campaign. Full makrs.