WITHOUT giving away any significant spoilers, there are all manner of frights on tonight’s Hallowe’en-themed EastEnders.

The Vic is turned into a fancy dress horror zone.

Lauren is stalked by a mystery character in a terrifying mask.

And, much more spine-chilling, Ricky “Fatboy” Norwood attempts to act drunk and John “Nasty Nick” Altman just attempts to act.

It’s all fittingly gruesome for a soap that’s lost itself in a cul-de-sac of depression, even by its own standards.

Out of the Lucy Beale murder came the uplifting tales of Linda Carter’s semi-incestuous rape and Alfie Moon’s spiral into self-destruction that saw him torch his own house in a botched insurance job that succeeded only in disfiguring his beloved Kat for life.

Or at least three weeks. Depending on when the make-up artists get fed up.

So how, you may ask, were the Walford massive going to claw themselves out of this mire and cheer us up again this week?

By the only way they know how – a lesbian domestic violence storyline.

They’ll argue that tackling these issues is what makes EastEnders realistic.

So let’s examine those credentials, shall we?

Ronnie, Albert Square’s most fiercely independent woman, has agreed to marry Charlie, a penniless, mild-mannered janitor who’s been pretending to be a police officer.

Dot, on finding butt-ends of the cigarettes Nick, the son she thinks is dead, smokes in her kitchen bin, accepted grandson Charlie’s explanation that they were his, without batting an eyelid, despite two minor facts.

Firstly, he’s never been seen smoking.

And secondly, he doesn’t smoke.

Then last night, the pair had this exchange:

Charlie: “I want to scatter Dad’s ashes and I want to do it today. We can do it in the Square.”

Dot: “Don’t you have to have permission to do that? A licence or something?”

Oh, Dot. EastEnders thinks nothing of small details like legal requirements.

Just last Friday, Kat and Alfie got married because there was a last-minute cancellation at the register office.

I mean, it’s not like they’d have needed to display their wedding banns notice for three weeks beforehand, like the law demands.

After all, an obstacle like that might hamper such a realistic plot.

In fact the only surprise is that Ronnie and Charlie, who got engaged at 8.27pm the same day, hadn’t tied the knot by 8.31pm, gone on honeymoon over the weekend and divorced by the start of play on Monday.

It’s the little things that really grate, though, like a shameless piece of cross-promotion for the Sherlock DVD boxset (out next Monday, would you believe?) or the Carters allowing acoustic guitar menace Rebecca to turn the Vic into a Britain’s Got pigging Talent arena.

The biggest sign that the show has been chasing its tail for nearly 30 years, however, is Nasty Nick’s return.

It has finally come full circle and is a perfect place to call it a day. The BBC won’t do that, of course.

So let’s head back to the Jacksons’ where Carol was urging Sonia yesterday to pose for a naked calendar to show her distant hubby what he’s missing out on: “If Martin sees other blokes picking up that calendar and checking out his missus...”

... then EastEnders truly will be as realistic as ever.

This week’s Couch Potato Spudulikes...

The Missing (minus the suffocating BBC hype).

Eddie Mair in Matt Baker’s The One Show seat.

Life Story’s Arctic fox pup face-planting into the snow while lemming-hunting and the stunning hummingbird versus honeybees aerial battle.

Bradley Walsh battling bravely on ITV’s Frankenstein game show Keep It In The Family.

Wednesday’s The Chase contestants’ team imploding with the line: “I’ve got nothing to say to the maggot,” who took the minus £3,000 option.

The Apprentice’s incredible triple firing, plus His Sugarness telling hypnotherapist Sarah: “Your claims to fame include helping clients with erectile dysfunction... don’t look her in the eyes, Nick.”

And Autumnwatch’s “birds on drugs”, “Isaac Newton of the badger world” and an X-rated scene involving Michaela Strachan blowing into Chris Packham’s “extending tube” to demonstrate a stag’s throat bellow. At least, that’s what they said it was for.

This week’s Couch Potato Spuduhates...

BBC1’s continuity woman proclaiming The Missing “one of the year’s talking points” before it aired a second of it.

Autumnwatch making Martin Hughes-Games, in a wetsuit, look like the Creature from the Black Lagoon has enlisted in the Special Boat Service.

The Apprentice’s Samuel L Jackson soundalike Steven failing to leave Lord Sugar with the line: “And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious, camp flapping...”

And Simon Cowell berating Louis Walsh over his treatment of Stereo Kicks: “What you did as a mentor was disgraceful.” The same Simon Cowell who told his own act The Conway Sisters in a 2005 X Factor sing-off: “Girls, based on this performance you can’t win the competition. Chico, it was a terrible performance tonight. So it’s a question of is it entertainment value or is it loyalty. I’m going to send home the Conway Sisters.”