Mystic Meg, eat your heart out. There’s a new soothsayer in town.

Step forward, professional attention seeker Gemma Collins on day one in the jungle: “I might become the next Bear Grylls. You never know.”

Seventy-two hours of moaning, sobbing, self-pity and empty suicide threats later and she decided that roughing it in a dangerous environment wasn’t worth the effort and checked into a luxury hotel away from the TV cameras.

Textbook Bear Grylls.

But let’s get one thing straight from the start.

Craig Charles is a much bigger loss to the 14th series of I’m A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! than the Towie limpet.

Yet all the talk has been about Collins and the apparent copper-bottomed entertainment she would have provided had she stuck it out.

Utter baloney.

In her three short days she injected nothing but abject misery into the camp, failed to put a drop of effort into any task and made every single waking (and indeed sleeping) moment all about her.

It’s almost as if she’s a useless, lazy, good-for-nothing, wholly unlikeable, waste of space.

So let’s leave the self-diagnosing malaria sufferer who has “caused so much trauma to myself I actually don’t think I’ll be able to work or move again until next year” to recuperate in her five-star suite.

Because there’s much to enjoy here.

Ant and Dec are on sparkling form, especially with their “I’m no doctor,” “You’re no doctor,” “I’m no doctor...” routine.

Carl “Foggy” Fogarty became my instant favourite the moment he admitted: “I’m facing three things I don’t like – being hungry, being bored and being with people.”

Seldom has TV seen a line as perfectly timed as his post-trial analysis of Snakes in a Drain: “It was good. I just had to stay calm and... THERE’S ONE STILL IN MY ******* SHORTS!”

Jumpy Jimmy Bullard, the unrivalled star of the Bushtucker trials, is channelling the Cowardly Lion in both spirit and that funny little scaredy-cat noise he makes.

I’m half expecting him to come out with: “I do believe in ghosts, I do believe in ghosts, I do I do I do I do I DO believe in ghosts.”

Anti-celebrity newsreader Michael Buerk has emerged as a dominant force, which is as unexpected as the wonderful bond he’s forged with rapper Tinchy Stryder (“Tinchy, my man!”).

And the show’s format is so solid and self-confident that it can make three D-listers knitting compelling viewing.

Yet despite all this, we could be heading for the fourth I’m A Celebrity series letdown in a row.

Either Foggy, Melanie Sykes or newbie Edwina Currie needs to assume the role of love-to-hate monster that every truly great reality show needs.

The now traditional day-three shutdown for a football friendly stifles all momentum.

And Ant could not have believed his own hype declaring: “We’ve got a cracking line-up for you this year.”

It’s a pitiful line-up, epitomised by X Factor nobody Jake Quickenden and the invisible woman Vicki Michelle.

It is, however, all the better for the exit of Gemma Collins who departed vowing: “It’s put me off TV for life. I won’t be coming back for more, that’s for sure, ever, ever, ever, ever. Ever.”

Back to Ant: “I wonder what she’ll do when she gets home?”

Dec: “Probably Loose Women, she’ll go on This Morning, maybe Lorraine, then straight back to Towie.”

You never know.

This week’s Couch Potato Spudulikes...

The Missing ratcheting up the tension.

Christmas coming early with Corrie getting Gail squiffy on mulled wine.

X Factor’s big band playing the Old Spice ad theme as Mel B entered. Plus heroic Foxy Bingo tribute act Stevi Ritchie dodging a bullet.

Children In Need sending Westlife’s Shane Filan to Greggs for the sole purpose of playing You Raise Me Up to speeded-up film of cupcakes in the oven.

Nick Hewer’s look of horror as The Apprentice’s Daniel suggested the “rememberable” name Love Water for his soft drink, as if Margaret had made a naked star-jumping return.

And Life Story’s unbreakable, life-affirming albatross couple, and David Attenborough on amorous green turtles: “Their first breath together is the beginning of several hours of mating.” Which reminds me, we haven’t seen Katie Price for a while...

This week’s Couch Potato Spuduhates...

Lord Sugar’s Rottweiler Claude Littner failing to be wheeled onto You’re Fired wearing a Hannibal mask and straitjacket.

Sue Perkins getting away with her BBC2 Cambodian Mekong River jolly without the intervention of the Khmer Rouge.

Children In Need torpedoing the next series of The Big Reunion by getting S Club 7 back together, plus Shane Richie’s outrageous nepotism for his son’s band.

X Factor’s Lauren Platt singing Smile on a swing in Big Band week, six years after Diana Vickers sang Smile on a swing in Big Band week.

And BBC1 wasting the imminent TV return of Margaret Mountford on the dictionary definition of monkey tennis – going around telling people off for dropping litter on Don’t Mess With Me. Game, set, match ITV.