In 1984, Michael Buerk’s harrowing Ethiopia report sparked Band Aid and forever changed our view of Africa...

“Dawn, and as the sun breaks through the piercing chill of night it lights up a biblical famine.”

Spin on 30 years to Monday night and, hark! Is that the sweet song of the Outback’s feathered inhabitants I hear?

“Squee-squaw. Squee-squaw. Brrrr tweet! Kor-ke koo-kah. Hoocl-poocl. Hoooocl-poocl. Dunka-punka. Hanky-panky... I feel like a complete prat.”

Ah, my mistake. It’s I’m A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! contestant Michael Buerk, in a seamless career transition, squawking fake bird calls on a high wire to Yvette, the ’Allo ’Allo waitress, for the chance to win some crumpets.

Or, as Jimmy Bullard renamed the show from inside a rat-filled coffin: “AARGH GET ME OUT OF HERE CELEBRITY JUNGLE GET ME OUT RANGER SHARPISH RANGER GET ME OUT!”

Two high points from the most disappointing and infuriating series ever.

It has been hampered at every turn by the incompetence of ITV which appears tragically to have forgotten just what an absolute gem of a programme this is.

You can blame Tuesday night football interruptions and a woeful line-up.

But the producers are to blame, meddling where it was not only unnecessary it stopped the action in its tracks.

They timed almost every stunt wrong, like the CIA secret missions for the two late arrivals Jake Quickenden and Edwina Currie who should have been the target for immediate vilification by the camp.

The elaborate helicopter treasure hunt sucked the tension out of simmering confrontations that were about to boil over.

And I’ve never seen such counter-productive editing.

Last Saturday’s “bantergate” painted Bullard, the show’s indispensible entertainment catalyst, as public enemy number one for apparently overstepping the mark taunting Quickenden.

He hadn’t, as the bloke who finished X Factor in 12th place confirmed: “It’s funny. It’s good to have guys in the camp that can take a bit of banter.”

But the ever-forgiving British voting public booted out Bullard first anyway, cutting off their nose to spite his face.

It’s the first time I can recall looking forward to each night more with dread than joy.

Only Ant and Dec were keeping it afloat at one stage, but even they suffered a rare mid-series dip.

Expectations were at an all-time low, then, entering this final week, traditionally the dullest part of any series.

The fact that it’s turning out to be better than the first fortnight probably says more about what’s gone before.

But at last it’s kicked into gear – Foggy’s Boulder Dash trial direct from Total Wipeout, Melanie Sykes slowly losing her mind and growing narky over possession of the cooking pot and Buerk coming into his bossy self on being made Bush Boss.

Just in time to be voted out.

That’s series 14’s ultimate downfall. Every time it tried to get going, events conspired to trample it back into the undergrowth.

They wasted a great signing in Foggy and I’ll never forgive them engineering the departure of Bullard whose banter “victim” Quickenden has at least one fan, Nadia who was asked on her exit interview by Dec: “Who do you want to win?”

Nadia: “Jake will win. He’s won everything so far.”

Dec: “Except The X Factor.”

Now that’s banter.

Spudulikes...

BBC4 repeating Nuts In May.

Mandy “Saul” Patinkin’s incandescent fury at Carrie’s betrayal on Homeland.

Sky Sports’ football docu’s championing minnows Gretna and Gibraltar.

Katie Price finally finding her TV level – vanishing through a trapdoor on Keep It In The Family.

The hear-a-pin-drop silence between This Morning hosts Amanda “Botox” Holden and Gok “I Lost 10 Stone” Wan reading a viewer’s tweet on body image: “It’s really sad that people can’t be comfortable how they look.”

The Apprentice odd couple Felipe and Daniel holding hands to cross the road.

And Phillip Schofield getting through his 24-Hour Text Santa Marathon without so much of a yawn until 7.33am when London film tour guide Val Blackburn informed him: “Up on the left is Covent Garden where My Fair Lady wasn’t filmed.” Zzzzz... Phillip? Phillip?!

Spuduhates...

Roughly 23hr 57min of Phillip Schofield’s ITV3 Marathon.

C5’s Autopsy taking an hour to reveal Elvis Presley died on the loo from heart failure.

Lord Sugar to The Apprentice’s Daniel: “This is not all about free therapy for the deluded.” (They’d best change the entry requirements then.) Sue Perkins concluding her BBC2 Asia jolly by thanking “the people of the Mekong River for this extraordinary adventure” instead of licence fee payers.

Gemma Collins bagging a daily This Morning slot two weeks after quitting telly.

And X Factor’s Louis Walsh telling Lauren: “I know you had a really bad week because you were sick and didn’t tell anybody.” No one except close friends, family... and her 194,000 Twitter followers.