WONDERING why BBC1’s ballroom has danced rings around ITV’s karaoke carnage this year?

Well, if you get only as far as that six-foot parrot they’ve got hosting the show then the reasons Strictly Come Dancing topped the TV tables, one night of I’m A Celebrity aside, for the last nine weeks will be baffling.

I speak, of course, of Tess Daly who has produced more echoes than Cheddar Gorge Caves lately...

Len Goodman: “Frankie, I salute you.”

Tess: “Len salutes you.”

Craig Revel Horwood: “Mark, I loved it.”

Tess: “He loved it.”

Bruno Tonioli: “Caroline, give me a high five.”

“High five.”

For a series to have an anchor so mindlessly witless and still trounce everything else in sight is nothing short of miraculous.

Especially as the writers, wisely, withdrew her failed comedy lines a month ago and replaced them with dirge like this ahead of Frankie Bridge and Kevin Clifton’s ballerina/toy soldier routine: “I think they might be pandering to Darcey’s tastes. Apparently she loves soldiers.”

There are deeper issues. We have a finalist from Towie, a show whose ex-cast are unacceptable additions to BBC1’s Saturday nights.

Mark Wright might have been on a “journey” (learned to dance a bit), but his presence follows a dangerous precedent set by Lucy Mecklenburgh on Tumble in the summer.

He’s there because head judge Len Goodman, in between an unpleasant new habit of getting uppity with the audience, lost the plot about what this show’s about.

The old codger gave Wright his dance-off casting vote ahead of Jake Wood and denied tomorrow’s final the entertainment it deserves – Snake Hips’ joyous salsa from week two.

Which brings me to the rage-inflaming judges’ dance-ons that frankly shouldn’t be allowed without a Sandhurst-trained sniper on Claudia’s balcony.

That and letting the panel declare the voting open has served only to stoke the egos of the more susceptible members – Len and Bruno Tonioli.

So why is it the biggest show on telly?

Partly because, as with Hollywood’s 1930s lavish musicals in the Great Depression, people want glitz and glamour in times of hardship.

And partly because BBC1 got lucky. The line-up looked lacklustre but came with Tim Wonnacott’s charm, Scott Mills’ and Judy Murray’s haplessness, raunchy Caroline Flack’s brilliance and Jake “Max Branning” Wood’s natural gift for Latin dancing that nobody could have foreseen.

Famous friends turning up in support have helped too, like Duncan and Lee from Blue at Simon Webbe’s training.

Antony Costa was clearly too busy for such small-fry appearances. (Aladdin, The Kings Theatre, Southsea.)

Claudia Winkleman has ironed out annoying habits like calling everyone “cute” and her links are a joy to behold: “Still to come, Frankie and Kevin dance to Beethoven. The music, not the massive dog.”

It’s a no-brainer to replace Tess with Claudia’s stand-in Zoe Ball, if they really want to continue down the wrong path of two female hosts.

Craig Revel Horwood understands the importance of understatement, unlike fist-pumping-jumping bean Bruno.

And Darcey Bussell is the class act, squealing and giggling with delight and always talking sense.

So she gets to underline Strictly series 12 with her comments to Mark Wright last week: “It was sweet and charming and had a wonderful quality from beginning to end.”

This week’s Spudulikes...

The Missing nailing its finale despite BBC1’s continuity man lying: “What really happened to Oliver? We’re about to find out.”

Stella’s 19-minute interrogation of Spector on The Fall’s climax, eclipsing Line of Duty’s 17 minutes.

Black Mirror’s Jon Hamm and Rafe Spall.

Timothy West’s EastEnders acting masterclass.

Jonathan Ross at his annual TV best hosting the British Comedy Awards.

The Apprentice’s merciless Claude Littner mauling Solomon’s business plan: “It’s a bloody disgrace. Two bloody pages with pictures on one page. You’ve given me pictures of sailboats. You can leave. Goodbye.”

And The Chase question: “Jeff Daniels feared killer Venezuelan spiders in what horror comedy film?” Contestant: “Agoraphobia.” Just when you thought it was safe to go back in a slightly large field...

This week’s Spuduhates...

The Apprentice interviews missing Margaret Mountford.

ITV repeating Bette Midler: One Night Only five days later.

CBBC puppet Hacker The Dog gate-crashing Sports Personality of the Year with no explanation.

British Comedy Awards failing to honour Rik Mayall and overlooking The Wrong Mans and House of Fools.

Russell Grant’s astrology prediction on This Morning, November 29, 2013: “Harry Styles is an Aquarian, they’re independent, and between now and the end of next year he’s going to do a lot of projects away from One Direction.” You’ve 13 days, Harry.

And BBC1’s Wild Weather jetting Richard Hammond to New England, Western Australia, Colorado, Ontario, Oklahoma, Switzerland, Indiana, Virginia, “the source of most of the world’s dust, South Australia”, Montreal, Florida and “a car park in Wales”. Absolute scandal. That’s £6.40 Severn Bridge toll us licence fee payers won’t get back.