THE Royal Family is suffering a major image problem.

A new unauthorised biography has tarnished Prince Charles. The less said about Prince Andrew the better. And it’ll be 65 years before no one who witnessed that It’s A Royal Knockout farce is still alive.

So who better to restore morale than rugby World Cup winner HRH Mike Tindall, in a skeleton bob race against Louie Spence?

Well, anyone, actually. A slide here and a bump there and all around the Austrian Alps echoed the cry: “I’ve just done Mike Tindall” as the self-styled “high-kicking homosexual with a speech impediment” whooped like Daffy Duck in victory.

A never-to-be-topped moment from Channel 4’s celebrity winter sports carnage The Jump, back bewilderingly for a second series with a few changes.

They’ve attached heart monitors to the contestants, but not the flat-lining audience, and dispensed with smartypants Alex Brooker.

There’s a pointless E4 spin-off show, mostly featuring Judy Finnigan at the alpine lodge bar.

And we have a new knockout event, the Air Jump, which is, to be fair, a spectacle but apparently deemed too exciting to make more than one outing all week.

So we’re stuck with an even bigger insurmountable issue than last year – the show’s big selling point, the “scariest elimination on TV” ski jump-off, is not only its least dangerous activity, it’s now not even its own scariest elimination.

The middle slope brings mild peril. The smallest, tackled by Phil Tufnell and Gogglebox’s Dom Parker, is for Innsbruck’s three-year-olds.

It means host Davina “listen” McCall, who’s dressing alarmingly like Joe Pasquale trying out for the next Milk Tray Man, has to spew lies like: “This is so exciting” through chattering teeth.

She’s in full-on, not-acting-her-age mode, jumping up and down to the accordion house band, discussing her “frozen snot” and inventing new sports like “live cross snow cross”.

And, sticking her neck out after Spence’s 6m high Air Jump, McCall announced: “Louie did a jump there, I think.”

No pulling the wool over her eyes.

Even more uninspiring is the line-up of which Joey Essex and Stacey Solomon are two of the more credible names.

The rest are largely reality show clockers-in like Chloe Madeley, JB Gill and Ashley Roberts, a list that looked even weaker on day two when Heather Mills went out.

Fortunately, there was a ready-made hate-figure replacement – stuck-up Lady Victoria Hervey who describes herself as “the silent but violent type” and is fulfilling her role as series guff.

The problem is she defeats the entry requirement, having been “skiing since I was five”, two years fewer, in fact, than Made In Chelsea’s Louise Thompson.

There’s absolutely no point in them taking part.

At least the likes of Essex, Madeley and Roberts who “hasn’t done winter sports but has watched Cool Runnings” have learned as they’ve gone. Likewise Paralympian Jon-Allan Butterworth whose one-armed 60mph skeleton run was as remarkable as it was inspirational.

Should a third series miraculously arise, they should stick to these sliding events plus the new snow-cross (rough-and-tumble roller-skating) and replace the original limp-lettuce eliminator with the Air Jump.

As McCall asked Dom Parker: “You hate the jump, don’t you?”

“Yes, I hate the jump.”

You’re not alone, Dom.Low-list Low-list ceL

Spudulikes

C4’s Catastrophe.

James Bolam’s unexpectedly charming Get Your Act Together song-and-dance with Michael Ball.

Celeb Big Brother’s Keith Chegwin uncorking his anger at vile Katie Hopkins: “I’m ready for a fight if anyone wants to tackle me tonight.” (Cheggers to win.)

And Inside The Commons’ talking head David Cameron on PMQs: “There isn’t a Wednesday where I don’t feel total fear.” I feel you, Dave. Bin day’s a stressful time for all of us. What if the lorry comes before the bags are out?

Spuduhates

10,000BC giving its 20 volunteers living in the Stone Age “without any 21st-century help” a health and safety team.

ITV2’s diabolical Keith Lemon Sketch Show committing the TV crime of making guest star Phillip Schofield swear.

CBB’s Perez Hilton voted out 29 days too late.

Sky Sports splitting Transfer Deadline Day dream team Jim White and Natalie Sawyer while hiding its reporters from unruly fans.

Zoe Wanamaker’s comedy Russian accent on Mr Selfridge: “Dah-leeng, I voz vundering. Your motherrr’s studio would make a vunderful office for heem. Hee could do his design vurk therrre. Shall vee tickle luck?”

And This Morning’s “ultimate Valentine’s weekend away guide” including Alwalton Travelodge. Romance isn’t dead. It’s £21 a night in a southbound Peterborough lay-by off the A1.