OVER in Stockholm’s Globe Arena, a Balkans couple are serenading each other through the romantic setting of a barbed wire fence.

He’s wearing the dodgiest black coat since Herr Flick on ’Allo ’Allo, she looks like an extra in the court of Ming the Merciless on Planet Mongo.

And then out of nowhere a bloke starts rapping. In Bosnian.

The most bonkers act of the Eurovision Song Contest’s semi-finals, a four-hour campaign video for the Brexit lobby, which, due to the TV evaporation of BBC3, has found a new home on BBC4.

And thank heavens it has, because tomorrow night’s main event will be sorely missing some properly loopy routines unjustly ditched over two evenings.

Most notably a breakdancing Moldovan astronaut, Greece’s answer to Rizzle Kicks in MC Hammer trousers, an Estonian with serial killer eyes and a penchant for card tricks, and tiny San Marino who commentator Scott Mills informed us: “Nobody from San Marino is involved with this at all. They’ve officially run out of pop stars.”

So instead they sent a middle-aged bald man in a burgundy suit and trilby to do a Whispering Bob Harris tribute over a disco number with the girls from the I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper video.

And no, I’ve no idea why that didn’t get voted through either.

We do, however, still have “the sexiest woman in Armenia… 2012” and hosts Petra Mede, who I remember from the 2013 contest, and Mans Zelmerlow, who I remember from his days fronting Wet Wet Wet.

Mede has a nice line in comedy: “And now all you wonderful boys and girl in the audience…” and hailed the show’s executive supervisor Jon Ola Sand as “the Dumbledore of Eurovision”.

It must said, though, that the standard of songs is even worse than usual this year.

And while I agree with Mede that Eurovision is “the greatest and biggest party in Europe”, other gripes are niggling, such as the flood of acts using the special effects wall after the success of Sweden’s 2015 winning routine.

Also, the baffling presence of Australia who’ve stuck around since last year’s “one-off” appearance like a party guest outstaying their welcome.

And Graham Norton can’t arrive fast enough.

The pairing of Scott Mills and Mel “Eurovizh” Giedroyc is atrocious.

Sample wit — Mel: “I bet he’s built up a heck of a sweat in that foil outfit.”

Scott: “The whole thing was so shiny.”

But the most irksome recurring theme is Mel’s Bake Off obsession during the pre-song VTs: “That was a very nice loaf we just saw. There was a good bake on that. Nice crust.”

“Good baking there. There was a lovely rise on those buns.”

“She makes a lovely flatbread. That was slack dough.”

“Ooh, some nice baked goods there.”

Not that it’s confined there. On the co-host: “Zelmerlow sounds like a baked good. I’ve never tried a Zelmerlow.”

And the sound of her chewing after the Czech Republic’s performance ended: “Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m just eating an enormous piece of Swedish cracker bread. It’s got a lovely bake on it though.”

Mills: “Turn your mic off. No one wants to hear that.”

Any of it. Bake off, Mel.

Spudulikes…

BBC2’s devastating Hillsborough docu.

Paul the Riverdancing Dalek Davros on BGT.

Britain’s Got More Talent’s Family Fortunes game with Dec’s team of giants’ out-of-shot heads.

Barbara Windsor giving EastEnders regulars an acting class.

Al Murray’s “worst Government ever” routine on ITV’s Palladium show.

The 75 per cent of Ben Elton’s Upstart Crow that’s like Blackadder.

Bafta wins for Strictly, Car Share, Galton & Simpson, Tom Courtenay, Suranne Jones, First Dates and The Murder Detectives. Plus Special Award winner Lenny Henry thanking BBC bigwigs “who had my back through a paramilitary… paramil… parliamentary sub committee”.

And ITV’s blood-chilling Killer Women With Piers Morgan. Though, to be fair, Susanna Reid was always going to snap sooner or later.

Spuduhates…

C4 failing spectacularly to copy E! channel’s The Royals with diabolical sitcom The Windsors.

Up Late With Rylan proving to be a muddled mess.

The 25 per cent of Ben Elton’s Upstart Crow that’s like The Wright Way.

Bafta overlooking Would I Lie To You?, Car Share’s Sian Gibson and Ant & Dec, who weren’t even on an Entertainment Performance shortlist containing Romesh Ranganathan and Stephen Fry. Plus self-entitled luvvies turning the ceremony into a political rally.

West Ham’s Boleyn Ground farewell on Sky Sports entering London 2012 Closing Ceremony territory with a parade of taxis.

And the one place you’d expect its die-hard Hammers fans to mark the occasion after 112 years of history. So well done for completely missing it, EastEnders.