JUST when you thought it was safe to turn on ITV… Step forward, Davina McCall.
Surely, SURELY The Nightly Show couldn’t get any worse than the disastrous stints of David Walliams and John Bishop, I thought.
But crikey, it’s like television has regressed 20 years overnight.
I genuinely don’t know what this show is any more, and clearly neither does it.
So let’s pick the bones and try to make sense of this ongoing disaster.
Because we’re at the point now that News at Ten has given way to the worst excesses of late-night drivel.
Every episode under Davina is excruciating, right from the moment she high-fives her way to the stage to some back-in-the-day club anthem by her middle-aged DJ pal Fat Tony.
Yes, there’s a DJ, a fact that set alarm bells ringing, because you know what that means.
Davina is going to dance.
And worse, she’s making all her guests dance too.
She has turned the show into what you could call TFI The Nightly Show, to the point that she actually twerked actress Vicky McClure before the pair had a rap-off.
Honestly, it’s like watching a pre-pubescent grow up the hard way.
The material has taken a nose-dive too, if that was possible, and it doesn’t help that she’s clunking her way through the autocue to deliver it.
So instead of anything intelligent to say about Donald Trump, she likened him to a “slimy toad in a baseball cap” and, oh so originally, said he has an orange face and strange hair, to wild whoops and cheers, obviously.
The writers seem to have dispensed with punchlines too — Davina ended her piece on the most Googled naughty words by saying: “Bradford’s was actually ‘How to have sex’. Oh, bless Bradford. Anyway, let’s crack on with the show…”
Most revealing, though, was her introduction during a reenactment of Paddy McGuinness’s much-replayed appearance on dating show God’s Gift, before he was famous, that she used to host: “This show is so 90s it’s like a Tamagotchi doing the Macarena.”
But not as 90s, in fact, as Davina’s The Nightly Show.
There have been constant references to her TV programmes and nightclubbing antics from that decade.
And we’ve had ex-Radio One breakfast show presenter Sara Cox and one-quarter of The Mary Whitehouse Experience, David Baddiel, who ingratiated himself with the audience by telling them off for not applauding his Olivier Award nomination: “In America that would have got a round of applause straight away.”
In fact the whole shebang is a reminder of why her 2006 BBC1 chat show Davina was canned after eight episodes.
The game show elements and hidden camera stunts (bloke exercises in a tutu for £500) that didn’t work under Walliams or Bishop still don’t work, and they never will.
But none of it is worse than all the endless, unnecessary dancing.
So it was no surprise that she showed that clip of Prince William boogying on a skiing holiday this week.
What was a surprise was what she said: “That’s proper dad dancing, isn’t it? He has had kids, that’s it, his dancing is over.”
Davina McCall there.
Mother of three.
Matt Le Blanc in Top Gear’s films.
BBC2’s brilliantly warped Inside No 9.
Sky1 game show Wild Things’ Dizzy Deliveries round.
Spencer Matthews smashing Joe Swash’s The Jump record to deny all-conquering smug-bucket Louis Smith of victory.
The grown man on Robot Wars flouncing off in a huff after losing to a bunch of kids.
Captain Ant Middleton’s saintly patience finally snapping with moany Chris, on Mutiny.
Tonight’s schedule clash The Nightly Show/When TV Goes Horribly Wrong.
And The Chase question: “The title of which Dane’s autobiography is usually translated as The Fairytale of My Life?” Rachael: “Edna Everage.” Dane, Rachael. Dane. Not Dame.
Matt Le Blanc in Top Gear’s studio.
The Voice’s disrespectful Will.i.am pratting about on his stupid phone.
BBC1’s The Replacement shooting itself in the foot with a nonsensical, panicked finale. (An architect hot-wiring an airbag? Seriously?)
And Claire from Steps trying her hand on Rylan’s This Morning showbiz slot: “They’re remaking Overboard, with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.” Holly Willoughby: “Who’s in it?” Claire: “Well this is what I’m not sure about. Apparently it’s going to be Anna Faris playing Goldie and Eu… Eu-ge-ni-o Der… Der-bez. I don’t know who that is.” If you’re auditioning for Rylan’s like-for-like holiday cover, Claire, you’ve got the job.