AFTER 234 columns, it’s with a heavy heart that I say this is my final one.

What an incredible five years of TV.

Sky1 taught a dog to fly an aeroplane, Gary Lineker presented Match of the Day in his underpants, Danny Dyer was revealed as the rightful heir to the throne.

And a bloke with a beard made front-page news by throwing ice cream in a bin in a big tent, on BBC2.

So I leave you with an awards special.

BEST SHOW: Runners-up: Strictly Come Dancing, Eurovision, The Wrong Mans, SAS: Who Dares Wins, Marvellous, Our World War, Planet Earth II, Love Island, Britain’s Got More Talent, The Apprentice: You’re Fired, The Almost Impossible

Gameshow, Murder in Successville, Singing in the Rainforest (Happy Mondays episode), Last Week Tonight With John Oliver, Broadchurch, The Island With Bear Grylls, Harry Hill’s Alien Fun Capsule, The Night Of, Saturday Night Takeaway, Wild Things, The Real

Full Monty, Stag, Touched by Auschwitz, Modern Life is Goodish, World’s Strongest Man.

Winner: Line of Duty.

BEST QUIZ SHOW ANSWER: Runners-up: The Chase: “Officially, what colour was champion racehorse Desert Orchid?” Contestant: “Green.”

Tipping Point: “The word ‘swap’ is an anagram of which stinging insect?” “Bee.”

Cash Trapped: “In 1936, Edward VIII abdicated the throne to marry which American?” “Marge Simpson.”

Think Tank: “Which member of the Cambridge Spy Ring held the position of Surveyor of the Queen’s Pictures?” “James Bond.”

Winner: The Chase: “Which member of the crow family native to the UK has a bare face?” Contestant: “Russell Crowe.”

SHORTEST ATTENTION SPAN: Pointless contestant Matt: “I’m a golfer and I also have a three-and-a-half-month-old daughter.” Alexander Armstrong: “That’s lovely. How old is she?” Matt: “Three-and-a-half months.”

BEST MEDICAL ADVICE: Runners-up: This Morning’s Dr Ranj in a heatwave: “Keep yourself cool by putting cold things on you.” GMB’s Dr Hilary’s winter health tips: “Wear warm clothes.”

Winner: Embarrassing Bodies: “Inserting a pair of curling tongs in the rectum can cause serious problems.”

MR MUDDLE AWARD: Love Island’s Harley: “I don’t feel like I said anything bad. It just came out the wrong way. I got my muddles worded up.” 

BEST ATHLETES INTRO: BBC’s Andrew Cotter at Rio 2016’s Opening Ceremony: “Madagascar, probably best known for some cartoon animals in a film.”

BEST LINE-UP: This Morning: “10.30am: Duped by a Love Rat. 11.15am: Mutant Rat Invasion.” That escalated quickly.

FUNNIEST PUTDOWN: Baftas host Graham Norton on the dangers of C4’s The Jump: “Poor Sid Owen is looking at two years off work. He wasn’t even injured.”

MOST BRUTAL PUTDOWN: The Apprentice’s Claude Littner on Solomon’s business plan: “It’s a bloody disgrace. You’ve given me pictures of sailboats. You can leave. Goodbye.”

BARMIEST QUESTION: The One Show to Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul: “Would you rather fight 100 chicken-sized Walter Whites or one Walter White-sized chicken?”

LEAST AUTHENTIC REALITY SHOW:  Producers supplying 10,000BC’s contestants, “surviving in the Stone Age without any 21st-century help”, with food, water, blankets, shelter, maps, antibiotics, isotonic drinks, boats, goats, a mobile phone and seven nights in a hotel because it was bit chilly.

TECHNOPHOBE AWARD: This Morning’s Stephen Mulhern: “The average person uses an internet device 34 times a day. So, do we use the net too much? Let us know by email, Facebook or a tweet.” 


“How did you catch an STI if you didn’t cheat on me?”

WORST PREDICTION: Runners-up: This Morning’s Russell Grant on Brangelina: “He’s Sagittarius, she’s Gemini. Their wedding chart is to die for. It will work for ever and ever.” Russell Grant on Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas: “The two Venuses in their chart, the goddess of love, absolutely connect. It’s a royal marriage.”

Winner: ITV’s Lee Dixon before England v Iceland at Euro 2016: “We’ll beat them quite easily.”

BEST SPORT ANCHOR: Runner-up: Dan Walker and his “Copaca-binmen” and hen party gatecrashers at Rio 2016.

Winner: Jeff Stelling: “Danny Hylton has scored for Oxford, Adam Marriott for Stevenage. We only need Tommy Travelodge to score as well.”

BEST OLD ADAGE: CBB’s Janice Dickinson on an argument: “It’s water under a duck’s back’s bridge.”

“DID THAT REALLY HAPPEN?” AWARD: ITV’s pro-celebrity sheep-herding Flockstars. (Yes, it really did.)

WORST SHOW: Runners-up (deep breath): X Factor, Big Brother, The Nightly Show, The Jump, Kat & Alfie: Redwater, You’re Back in the Room, Prized Apart, Sex Box, Naked Attraction, Bear Grylls: Mission Survive, Trainspotting Live, Too Much TV, Can’t Touch This, Drive, Splash!, Pick Me!, Up Late With Rylan, Wimbledon 2Day, If Katie Hopkins Ruled The World, Eternal Glory, Tumble, Food Glorious Food, The Singer Takes It All, Easter Eggs Live, The Wright Way, Father Figure, Celebrity Haunted Hotel: Live, I Love My Country, Dance Dance Dance, Let It Shine, Pitch Battle, Comic Relief, Derek, Life on Marbs, Young, Free and Single, Citizen Khan, Tom Daley Goes Global, Gok Live: Stripping For Summer, Heading Out, 10 O’Clock Live, Celebrity Super Spa, Sunday Scoop, Towie Live.

But the winner, by a country mile, is EastEnders, a show obsessed with parentage, bin day and misery.

In the words of Mick Carter: “Is this it? Is this the best we can hope for? Every day we’re in a loop and it’s like it’s drilling into my skull.”

Yes, I’m afraid it is. Time to call it a day, then. Thanks for reading.