FIVE minutes with Al Murray, whose character the Pub Landlord headlines this year’s Comedy Port Festival in Newport in October

If you had to be stuck in a lift with someone, who would it be and why/what is your biggest fear?

I’d say on balance my biggest fear would be getting stuck in a lift with Piers Morgan.

He’d start asking me questions and try to get me to cry like Peter Andre. There’s only so much my self-respect can take.

Do you have any superstitions?

No. Superstitions are for old ladies and idiots.

If you could have only one song on your iPod, what would it be and why?

Whatever Cheryl’s latest is. I could sing along to it, or laugh at it, depending on how the mood took me.

What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought, not including property?

Deep fat fryer, one of those twin tubs numbers. Shame as I’ve only ever used the left-hand tub.

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve been given?

Live in the moment, be yourself, have the flavour of crisps YOU want.

What’s your indulgence?

It’s safe to say pork scratchings aren’t a health food, but who wants to live forever?

What item could you not live without?

Probably the giant whiskey bottle of 2ps on the bar in the lounge. You can siphon off the change from that without anyone ever knowing.

I’ve got overheads. That’s costing me valuable barspace.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?

I’d like some of Wayne Rooney’s hair, I think. He must have some left over.

Where are you next going on holiday?

I thought I’d try Swansea. They keep going on about how nice it is, what could possibly go wrong?