DOWN at “Britain’s only out-of- hours TV surgery”, Kevin, from Grimsby, appears on the giant Skype screen, clears his throat and issues a cry for medical help.

“I’ve been coughing up hard yellow lumps of phlegm, sometimes blood, for eight months. I’m worried it’s something really bad.”

An urgent case for Channel 4’s Embarrassing Bodies: Live From The Clinic team.

So Dr Christian Jessen puts on his most sympathetic voice and reassures him: “Eight months sounds too long Kevin.

“We’ll be right back after this break to help you sort that out.”

That’s right, Kev. Eight months sounds too long. But it’s not quite long enough.

You’ll have to wait.

Nivea, Mars bars and Angry Birds are ahead of you in the queue to be seen.

And Nicole Scherzinger is, as we speak, laid out on a sofa, all set to get sultry, over a tub of yoghurt.

It’s par for the course on this show, ever since the time they kept a poor bloke with chronic diarrhoea hanging on for dear life and a diagnosis during the adverts.

And it’s one of the reasons why I just can’t stay away from the peculiar beast that is Embarrassing Bodies Live, which never strays from its strict routine.

Patients call in with some gruesome ailment, usually affecting their privates, that they’ll be asked to whip out before the nation, only for Dr Jessen and Dr Dawn Harper to palm them off on some other NHS expert.

Every. Single. Time.

Tuesday’s episode had 56-yearold Loretta telling the pair: “I’ve got three very red swollen fingers.

They have pustules that become cracked and very painful.”

Dr Harper: “Speak to our GPs because they can give you a list of creams you can run through with your GP.”

Richard, 44: “I spend half the day wiping my backside.”

Dr Jessen: “I think your GP needs to examine you.”

Even 46-year-old Kevin, from Grimsby, when they eventually got round to him, was told by Jessen: “Let’s put you through to the GPs now.”

It’s a valuable service they provide, and quite a strain off the NHS, eh?

Of course not. It’s a television show that, for all Channel 4’s public service obligations, exists first and foremost to entertain, with only a small dollop of medical information if you really want it.

And it’s made with such love and care for the craft. The lengths to which the production team researched, located and persuaded Nurse Joy Tickle to be the programme’s regular specialist wound dabber / packer are beyond admirable.

They’ve also got an unexpected TV star-in-the-making with support act Mr Paul Anderson, who made his latest entrance with a montage of him performing reconstructive surgery, during which he announced deadpan: “Before I began, he was peeing like an old man. Now he’ll be peeing like a racehorse.”

Pure Alan Partridge.

The rest of each programme is mere padding – the follow-up clinical examinations, Dr Pixie McKenna out and about squeezing somebody’s cyst, and, on Tuesday, a female kickboxing club having plaster casts made of their genitalia.

Bodily excretion of the week, for there is one every time, was earwax, with Dr Jessen insisting: “If you’re having any problems with wax then go and see your pharmacist or your GP,” proving the hosts don’t confine their palming off only to individual patients, it’s the entire audience too.

So when Dr Harper bade adieu with: “Remember there really is no excuse not to see a doctor,” you knew exactly what she was actually saying.

Nowhere is there a better place not to see a doctor.

8pm, Tuesday nights, Channel 4.

You’ve no excuse.

Spudulike awards

● BBC2’s The Fall.

● The hilarious ventriloquism skit on ITV4’s Tim Vine’s Punslinger.

● EastEnders’ barren haul from the British Soap Awards.

● Eurovision, especially Graham Norton’s commentary, Greece’s Alcohol Is Free entry, Iceland defrosting Rick Wakeman and Malta’s opening lyrics: “His name is Jeremy, he’s working in IT.”

(Have you tried turning the song off and on again?) ● The 16.7 seconds it took All Star Mr & Mrs dimwit Joey Essex to raise his blue sparkly table tennis bat after Schofe asked him and TOWIE fiancée Sam Faiers: “Who would take the longest to hold up a paddle?...”

● And Christopher Dean announcing on Daybreak: “Next year’s Dancing On Ice will be our last. This final series needs to be a celebration.” Oh, let me tell you, Chris. I’ll be throwing one heck of a party.

Spuduhate awards

● Sharon Osbourne’s impending return to The X Factor. (Like that’ll solve all its problems).

● ITV2’s British Soap Awards: The Party hosts Joe Swash and Zoe Hardman interviewing the cast of Doctors about ongoing storylines as if they, or indeed anybody, watches the thing.

● C4’s Fat Family Tree delivering the scientific bombshell that walking burns off fat and that beans and fresh fruit are good for you.

● Jacqui Oatley trying to convince us on new BBC2 minority sport series The Women’s Football Show that this weekend’s big match is Arsenal Ladies versus Bristol Academy from Doncaster Rovers’ Keepmoat Stadium. And not the small matter of the Uefa Champions League final at Wembley.