For those wondering how a Frankenstein creature genetically engineered from the remnants of Liberace, Fred West, Paulie Walnuts, from The Sopranos, and the voice box of Ivor the Engine would look and sound, wonder no more.

Add in the wild-eyed gurns of Timmy Mallett and you have Bobby Davro’s Tom Jones manifestation on ITV’s latest Saturday night calamity Your Face Sounds Familiar.

It’s a six-week professional suicide note by everyone involved which got off to a runaway trainwreck of a start last weekend with half a dozen karaoke bar-clearing performances by: “Your favourite celebrities.”

If, that is, your favourite celebrities happen to be Denise Lewis, “TV legend” Davro, Natalie Anderson “who you might know from Emmerdale” (anyone?), dead East Ender Cheryl Fergison, This Morning’s Matt Johnson and Alexander Armstrong, who’s gone from TV show Pointless to pointless TV show.

Each is transformed, via the miracle of prosthetics and the impossible task of a vocal coach, into a pop star.

And if that sounds very much like Stars In Their Eyes, you’re giving this series too much credit.

They’ve taken that show’s format, removed all the good bits and replaced Matthew Kelly with Paddy McGuinness, who’s quickly established he should stick to Take Me Out, and the over-promoted Alesha Dixon, as if she has anything to do with Britain’s Got Talent’s success.

The pop stars that the celebs impersonate are decreed by the “Randomiser”, which appears to be activated by pushing a collapsible bollard following McGuinness’s catchphrase: “Release the Randomiser!”

Release the lions, release the nerve gas, if it was up to me.

And while I was at it, I’d ensure ITV could never again use its now familiar tactic of shielding behind charity to get away with any old rubbish (2.5p per worthy cause for every 50p phone vote, it works out as).

There are two permanent judges, Julian Clary who is: “Not difficult to please,” so is in the right place, and Emma Bunton, a parrot who’s reminding us just how useless she was on Dancing On Ice.

She said: “I’ve seen make-up arriving, special effects, boob tape, everything. I don’t know what’s going to come out the other end.”

What usually comes out the other end, Emma, en route to the sewage plant.

Like Splash!, however, it’s accompanied by a grim fascination on my part to see to what depths Your Face Sounds Familiar can sink.

Episode one set the bar at record-breaking limbo levels.

Denise Lewis delivered a spot on impression of Serena Williams chewing wasps.

So it was a complete surprise when Clary told her: “You are Tina Turner to a tee.”

Guest judge Donny Osmond felt the need to point out: “Vocally it wasn’t quite Tina.”

It wasn’t quite Tina Malone, let alone Tina Turner.

Alexander Armstrong’s Johnny Cash looked more like Paul Whitehouse, in the Aviva adverts, and would have been a near perfect impression had the Randomiser chosen for him Tex Ritter, from High Noon’s soundtrack.

Cheryl Fergison is taking it all far too seriously.

She has long harboured ambitions for a music career and, bless, seems to be convinced that this is her time.

Sadly, her Dusty Springfield was the reincarnation of Bride of Chucky after a chocolate-only diet since her last film outing in 2004, while Fergison’s sincerity makes me long for a stage invasion by Ben Mitchell wielding a photo frame.

She’ll be back every week, though. They all will.

And here’s the crunch. At least BBC1’s Let’s Dance For Comic/Sport Relief has a competition element and a final.

Your Face Sounds Familiar has the nose-diving formula of the same six celebs back week after week.

It’s a fact that had me answering Matt Johnson when he said in Welsh: “Where’s the toilet?”

You’ll find it at ITV, 7.30pm, Saturday nights until August.

Spudulike awards

● Andy Murray’s five-set, Six O’Clock News-shunting Wimbledon heroics.

● Nile Rodgers showing kids how you do proper music, on BBC4’s Glastonbury.

● Rod Stewart showing celebs how you do The One Show.

● ITV4’s irreplaceable Tour de France pair Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen.

● Dara O’Briain’s The Apprentice: You’re Fired theory that Jordan Poulton’s secret business partner will be a glove puppet of himself.

● Phillip Schofield shooting down rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins’ latest This Morning gibberish, about not letting her kids mix with “lowerclass”

names, as she declared: “I don’t like footballers’ names, names after seasons of the year, geographical location names like Brooklyn, London...”

Schofe: “Your child’s called India.”

Goodness gracious me.

Spuduhate awards

● That Co-op advert mistaking summer for Christmas (the most wonderful time of the year indeed).

● Melanie Sykes’ panic-stricken-rabbit- in-the-headlights routine every time Gino D’Acampo goes slightly off script, on Let’s Do Lunch With Gino and Mel.

● Jenny Eclair still trading on her Perrier award for comedy from way back in 1995, on Tipping Point: Lucky Stars.

● BBC3 grinning simpleton Gemma Cairney refusing to say anything but “amazing” about any of the Glastonbury acts.

● BBC1’s admittedly scary Luther claiming to be original when it smacks of A Nightmare on Elm Street (baddie hiding under the bed), Black Christmas (baddie hiding in the loft), and Scream (baddie hiding on the patio).