HOW unlucky are we? In the UK there are 64 million of us.

Yet in all the land, by a horrendous coincidence, the only person who finds Perez Hilton remotely bearable happens to be one of just 14 others thrown with him into Channel 5’s grubby asylum.

So instead of the hateful little troll getting justifiably isolated and ignored, Nadia Sawalha has spent the last three weeks indulging and fuelling his vindictive attention-seeking.

And the ones to suffer, apart from the rest of the house, have been the Celebrity Big Brother viewers who, I suppose, have had it coming after 2014’s brace of fantastic series.

The good run had to end. And end it has in spectacular fashion on CBB 15.

Not an ad break goes by without the “Beware” on-screen warnings of angry confrontations and offensive language, often the bedrock of any decent reality show.

But it’s so unrelenting it’s now un-watchable, apart from the 48 hours they pulled the oldest twist in the book, the fake walkout, and sent Hilton to a secret room.And wouldn’t you know it, it saved his skin on nominations day.

Channel 5, you see, inexplicably has swallowed his delusion that this is “The Perez Show” and that: “Happy Perez is still great television”.

They’re protecting him like no one before, apparently editing out the bloke making an offensive demand from Katie Hopkins during their 137th row so he wouldn’t look bad, which she had the common sense to shrug off instead of landing him in trouble.

It’s double standards from C5, though, to protect their star turn, especially after kicking out Jeremy Jackson and Ken Morley, rightly, for similar misdemeanours.

And Hilton’s “curse of eternal nominations” by the public is toothless given we’ve only two more evictions before finals night and voting to save rather than evict will doubtless spare him.

Yet for all his gruesome traits, like keeping cheese up his nose for the limelight, he’s not the real monster here.

That’s Sawalha, a despotic, monumental control freak who strolls around that house like General Pinochet and claims to hate “people taking the moral high ground”, while taking the moral high ground.

Hilton might be her catalyst but there’s a huge difference between having someone poison your mind and wanting someone to poison your mind, as she did demanding every bad word he’d heard behind her back from the secret room.

She thrives on her own outrage and right-on snobbery and is the cause of more unpleasantness than old Cheddar nostrils.

What could have dragged this series out of the mire was a decent task, as we’ve come to expect, but the producers have sat on their thumbs.

They need to learn urgent lessons, like not inflaming a raging inferno or booking non-contributors like catastrophically vacant Alicia Douvall, perpetually bothered Patsy Kensit, who Cheggers stated “basically cuts up cheese all day”, and waste-of-£500,000 Katie Price who’s sat there uncomfortably mute, except dull boyfriend anecdotes.

Regardless, CBB remains an extraordinary show.

A place where Hopkins and LGBT-community champion Michelle Visage, the rightful winner, can forge an alliance.

Series 15, however, is as Kensit put it during the memory helmet task: “just watching people lay into each other.

“It’s horrible.”

Spudulikes…

BBC2’s Touched By Auschwitz.

Sky Atlantic’s occasionally baffling but promising Fortitude.

Soccer Saturday icon Jeff Stelling: “Danny Hylton has scored for Oxford, Adam Marriott has scored for Stevenage. We only need Tommy Travelodge to score as well.”

This Morning abandoning its dog yoga when a shih tzu named “Benji the humper” broke rank and got jiggy with Maltese terrier Robbie, during the handstand position.

Rapper Chip on his Get Your Act Together Shaolin-monk routine: “I’ve got to get five spears stuck in my chest. What’s your week been like?” Nigel Havers: “I’m a ventriloquist.” (Short straw, Nige.) And The One Show’s Alex Jones accidentally starting a joke to Ross Kemp: “Knock-knock, Grant.” Those last nine years of fearless frontline investigative journalism have really put EastEnders behind you, Ross.

Spuduhates…

Gary Lineker summing up the BBC’s idiotic choice for the FA Cup Fifth Round Draw: “It’s on The One Show, for crying out loud.”

Broadchurch plumber Mark Latimer taking “paternity leave”, despite the fact he’s self-employed so can’t, joining all the courtroom legal liberties and history-rewriting sub-plots plaguing series two.

Sob stories overwhelming Dragons’ Den (no place for them) with Evan Davis’s line: “Nicky’s inspirational back story has won over Deborah Meaden.”

Kids invading The Voice studio for unnecessary spinny-chair shenanigans. Plus the spectacle of Black Lace singer Dene Michael, Bruce “Les Battersby” Jones, Marvin Humes, a man with his hand up a puppet and extras all in Hawaiian shirts do-do-doing the conga. (Agadon’t-don’t-don’t.) And Cucumber writer Russell T Davies telling This Morning: “The show is about life and men and madness and good stuff.” Three out of four ticked then.