THE “cavalcade of comedy” had just got under way when Davina McCall announced: “Comic Relief is known for incredible feats of endurance.”

Yeah, the audience thought as one. Tell me about it. Here it comes, all six-and-a-quarter hours.

Great cause, lousy show. Worst ever Red Nose night, in fact.

We had Citizen Khan, old-hat Vicar of Dibley, Mr Bean practically digging its own grave, that 007 travesty, wall-to-wall Clarkson jokes and a bizarre Little Britain sketch that failed because, unlike Matt Lucas’s Andy, Stephen Hawking really is disabled.

The whole joke is about the guy in the wheelchair getting up and doing crazy stuff unnoticed.

Turning Hawking into a Transformers killing machine is not it.

So it’s difficult to know exactly which part Lenny Henry was referring to when he quipped: “There’s a helpline after the show if anyone is distressed by these jokes.”

They should make it premium rate. They’d make a killing.

I have to admit to two chuckles, though, neither from intentional comedy.

Davina McCall going to the totaliser 162 minutes in and declaring the money raised as £46,000, having missed off the last three zeroes.

And the deafening, nonplussed silence that greeted Sarah Millican announcing: “I’m going to be leaving soon.”

Sadly she followed it immediately with: “Russell Brand will be here live.”

The ultimate good news, bad news.

Brand traipsed on stage at midnight getting the tone completely wrong, giving out the incorrect text donation number and all but daring Ofcom to investigate by fibbing: “The standard network rate has been scrapped.”

He introduced South African stand-up Trevor Noah with: “He’s actually from a township and now he’s here at the Palladium,” much like he was four months earlier for the Royal Variety Performance, at the exact same venue.

Brand promised to keep politics out of it but couldn’t help having a dig at Nigel Farage and two pops at David Cameron’s austerity policy: “The British people will not be beaten by the government.”

This, despite vowing to make his shift “light and fun”, two minutes before talking of “the all-encompassing darkness and loneliness”.

The wheels flew off when he shrugged at Claudia Winkleman saying: “Please watch this. No woman should have to give birth in terrible conditions,” and was forced to admit: “We’re about to see a sad thing. I’ve misjudged it.”

Even more of a misjudgement, if that’s possible, were the jokes about heroin abuse (a-ha-ha-ha) after a John Bishop report from a vaccination clinic where one-use-only syringes are saving lives: “I’m in the unfortunate position of having to ask you to donate money for people to buy syringes.

“Literally the exact opposite of how I spent my time in the previous two decades of my life.

“I’m fighting every instinct of my being, ‘Don’t make them not work again, that’s terrible, sharing is caring, oh but do watch out for infectious blood diseases’.

“So if you want to help John Bishop help people out there bang up, send 10 quid,” before mimicking injecting himself and zoning out.

A rethink, therefore, is needed for the title Comic Relief: Face The Funny.

Comic Relief: Face It, It’s Not Funny.

Spudulikes

Bonkers but brilliant Sky1 game show Wild Things.

MyAnna Buring on Banished.

The devastating but vital Genocide episode of The World At War, even if BBC2 felt unable to air it before midnight.

The eight people who answered All Star Family Fortunes’ “Name a very small bird” with: “Kylie Minogue.”

Stephen Mulhern making a £10 note vanish, along with Danny Dyer and Peter Andre’s careers, on a memorable Big Star’s Little Star.

Manuel from Fawlty Towers (Andrew Sachs) dying over lunch in an EastEnders hospital bed. (He should have ordered a Walford Salad.) And The Chase question: “What relation is the Prince of Wales to the Duchess of Cornwall?” Contestant: “Cousin.” Well, that is usual protocol for a royal marriage…

Spuduhates

ITV’s gigantic leap backwards, hypnosis game show You’re Back In The Room.

The BBC believing it needs a “food season” when every season on the BBC is food season.

Newsnight’s ability to spell Bahrain Foreign Minister Shaikh Khalid Bin Ahmed Bin Mohamed Al-Khalifa but not “insitute”.

The Truth About Sugar’s Fiona Phillips taking an hour to tell us too much sugar is bad for you.

And Russell Crowe disappearing up his own luvvie backside on The One Show discussing acting: “I’m all about preparation. I’m all about the quiet contemplation that leads up to a job. You’ve got to put your heart and soul into it, you’ve got to believe it’s important and you’ve got to have profound love for doing the job. To take it seriously as a profession takes a rare level of commitment.” Hmm. Or you could just pretend to be someone else.