IT'S Easter week, the most important time in the Christian calendar.

So BBC1, in its infinite wisdom, decided to demonstrate its commitment to religious broadcasting by marking the Crucifixion and Resurrection in the most fitting of ways.

A 90-minute ham-fisted drama about nothing to do with the occasion whatsoever.

It basically thought: “Hey, we’ve got that Noah thing ready to go, haven’t we? He’s kind of Biblical and stuff. Let’s shove it out at Easter.”

And lo, it came to pass that The Ark was sent down to our screens. And we did watch, with increasing bewilderment, as it unfolded into nothing more than a glorified soap opera.

Understandably so, if you look at the credits.

It was written and produced by Tony Jordan, who you’d think, with Life On Mars on his CV, was better than this.

But then you realise he spent donkey’s years penning EastEnders and the pieces fall into place.

He’s transplanted Walford into the Middle East desert, via Manchester where all the accents are from.

We have Noah, played a bit too closely to Shameless’s Frank Gallagher by David “Frank Gallagher” Threlfall, wife Emmie by the lovely Joanne Whalley and their sons Shem, Ham, Japheth and Kenan, who must have come as a real surprise to the couple.

Given that they only had three sons.

Noah, though, chose to ignore this historical liberty during a trip to the city, headbutting a bloke mugging Kenan and kicking another in the goolies.

So it is written, Genesis, Chapter 12, Verse 37.

And hark, Emmie, in Verse 56, saw the size of the ark and exclaimed: “I’m gonna need a bigger hammer,” which no one can convince me is anything other than a clumsy reference to Steven Spielberg’s Jaws.

The inspiration for The Ark wasn’t the Bible at all.

Jordan ignored almost the entire tale, probably because the budget went on the decent cast, not the flood’s dreadful special effects, which didn’t arrive until 87 minutes in.

No, this was the Gospel according to Albert Square.

Just like in Walford, all the men were henpecked weaklings, apart from headstrong Noah (Mick Carter).

In true EastEnders tradition, there was much telling off to be done (over money lenders and greed) and it was all about faaaaaamily, with so many under one roof that the youngsters wanted to fly the nest (Queen Vic).

And the dialogue, sandwiched between some serious boat-building montages, was stuck somewhere between the 21st century and the Old Testament.

What really got me, though, was angel Ashley Walters’ instructions: “You are to build an ark made of gopher wood, layered for strength, covered with pitch inside and out. It will be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, 30 cubits high. Make it three storeys, with a single window to withstand the deluge, a door that can be raised to allow entry and sealed again.”

Yet Noah didn’t reply: “Hang on a mo, let me jot this down. Damn, pen’s not working. OK, there we go. Right, so, gopher wood. Three or four storeys, did you say? And was that 30 cubits wide and 50 high or the other way roun… “Oh. He’s vanished.”

Gonna need a bigger suspension of disbelief.

 

Spudulikes… Timothy West’s bar-raising performance as cancer-ravaged Stan Carter on EastEnders.

The impossible-to-switch-over Banished, like a Poldark for heterosexual men.

Louis Theroux, in the Jay Z role, rapping Empire State of Mind before being joined by Shane Richie as Alicia Keys, in a Lovejoy wig, on The One Show.

And The Billion Dollar Chicken Shop narrator Ralf Little: “The deadline of inspector Brian’s return visit is fast approaching and (manager) Margaret is convinced he will come today. Margaret’s right, Brian is on his way.” Was it her gut feeling? Years of experience? Or, perchance, the presence of a BBC1 film crew in the kitchen?

Spuduhates… The Voice’s Mr Beige, Marvin Humes, imagining anyone gives a damn he’s trending on Twitter.

David Tennant’s diabolical US accent on Gracepoint (Boredchurch).

Fortitude killing off its two best characters Henry Tyson and Eugene Morton in succession.

E!’s The Royals making EastEnders’ Jack Branning and Danny Moon sleep together.

Big Brother contestant Winston Showan making a weapons-grade moron of himself on shambolic ITV debate show O’Brien.

C4 mistaking Travel Man Richard Ayoade’s paralysing sarcasm for comedy.

And Big Star’s Little Star’s John Prescott on punching the egg-thrower: “I said to Tony, ‘You told me to connect with the electorate so I did’,” which, if you hadn’t seen him on Backchat, Through The Keyhole, Top Gear, All Star Mr & Mrs, Room 101, That Sunday Night Show, Piers Morgan’s Life Stories, 10 O’Clock Live and Loose Women, you wouldn’t have heard before.