Tuesday night, the boardroom. Alan Sugar fluffs up the six cushions on the seat of his spinny chair and roars: “I am not man! I am Lord Sugar!”

Quite possibly the best line you’ll hear on TV all year.

But there’s every likelihood it’ll be bettered somewhere down the line by one of the resident bozos on The Apprentice, series nine, which has started like a turbo diesel steamroller.

And it’s an almighty relief to be able to say that.

Because this time last year the writing looked on the wall for Britain’s best reality show.

The candidates had become worldly-wise to the butchers in the editing booth.

I feared the worst and clung to the hope it was down solely to poor casting.

One glance at the class of 2013 proves it was. To a man, and woman, they’ve got it bang on the money.

The boasts are punchier, the contestants more punchable, starting with Zeeshan who declared: “I take my inspiration from Napoleon.”

Which by rights should make him a short-arse, garlic-eating tyrant with an inferiority complex.

Also inadvertently making a grand comparison was Tim (Christopher Dean on speed): “I’m not a lone ranger, in any sense of the word.”

You mean you don’t wear a black eye mask, hang out with a Native American named Tonto or ride around on a horse to the William Tell Overture?

He didn’t stick around long enough to answer, sadly, along with “half-machine” Jaz who told her team: “We don’t have to look or smell desperate,” before asking: “Could I have some feedback on my project manager...ship...ism?”

Certainly, Jaz. Stop making up words like managershipism.

It might be the sexiest line-up of girls this programme’s had, but only Uzma looks like a potential female winner.

Rebecca’s an employment tribunal waiting to happen, “Duracell bunny” Luisa’s a high-maintenance nightmare, and I’m fairly sure Francesca was in Prisoners’ Wives.

She was responsible, on episode two’s brilliant flavoured beer task, for ruining 150 pints of Team Evolve’s rhubarb and cameral (no, really) ale, which Lord Sugar seized on: “This is simple multiplication. It’s not rocket science.”

Maybe not. But it was rocket fuel, judging by the horrified reaction of the brewery boss: “Guys, this is not safe to drink.”

It’s the boys who are leading the chase for the title of prize twazzock, including Jordan who reckons nettles are: “Adventurous, exciting, daring, unusual,” in fact anything that nettles aren’t.

Neil Clough commits the punishable-by-firing-squad crime of referring to himself in the third person, and Jason’s “effortless superiority” caused him to liken his intelligence to: “A machete in the jungle.”

The standout star so far is Alex Mills, a Welsh version of Data, from Star Trek, wearing Alan Partridge’s fat mask, who may never top the moment he felt compelled to inform a trader that the toilet roll he was selling wasn’t reused.

Though he is giving it a blummin’ good go.

The production and filming are as superb as ever and Nick Hewer’s facial contortions deserve their own series, but cantankerous old sod Lord Sugar is on particularly sparkling form.

He ordered Alex not to slouch, asked Jason, who objected to deceptive selling tactics: “You from the Office of Fair Trading?” and tore into the self-imploding girls’ team: “I don’t want to waste my time talking to a load of dummies.”

Which begs the question, why did you turn up for the new series?

And he’s making a big deal about his £250,000 investment.

Remember though, Simon Cowell gave that to a dog last year.

Not that I blame Sugar. Jason described Zeeshan and Alex as: “The most intolerable, moronic people I’ve come across in a long time.”

And as of Wednesday night, 14 of them remain.

This week’s Couch Potato Spudulikes...

Dara O’Briain’s The Apprentice: You’re Fired and Stephen Mulhern’s Britain’s Got More Talent standing shoulder to shoulder with their main shows, more so in the case of the ITV2 series.

Dan Snow’s The One Show report on “Britain’s Schindler” Nicholas Winton.

Hugh Dancy and Mads Mikkelsen’s screen presence on Sky Living’s Hannibal.

World snooker champion Ronnie O’Sullivan pointing out to BBC2’s Hazel Irvine he can’t take back the phrase: “I’m up and down like a whore’s drawers,” because: “It’s live, Hazel.”

Learning difficulties sufferer John choosing to lose his virginity with an escort to the music of Westlife’s You Raise Me Up, on C4’s Sex On Wheels.

And Steve Bruce, on Sky Sports News:”Alex Ferguson is such a big, big, big hole to try and replace.”

Always thought he liked Fergie.

This week’s Couch Potato Spuduhates...

The disappointment that BBC4’s latest Scandinavian crime drama Arne Dahl isn’t set in a Manchester shopping centre.

Willie Thorne at BBC2’s snooker final: “Barry Hawkins is only one point behind Ronnie, so he’s scoring exactly the same.”

ITV thinking they can get away with Caroline Quentin caber tossing in the Trossachs (sounds painful) as primetime telly, on National Parks.

EastEnders’ miserable, neverending child custody battles.

Jimmy Carr shrugging for forgiveness and explaining his pitiful 10 O’Clock Live gags.

And Watchdog’s voice-of-the-common man investigation into the misselling of horses which no doubt struck a chord with all viewers struggling to make ends meet.

But only if they’ve actually bought a Findus lasagne.