A FAMILIAR face was back for second helpings at E4’s celebrity matchmaking service.
Joey Essex who, having got together with Made In Chelsea’s Stephanie Pratt in series one against the show’s rules, and subsequently split up, has returned upbeat: “There are plenty more birds in the sea.”
Certainly are, Joey, one of five famous people who’ve spent the first of four weeks dipping their toes in the “civilian singletons” waters of Celebs Go Dating.
And unmitigated disasters the dates have been too.
This Morning’s Ferne McCann, who’s a heck of a lot shallower than I’d imagined and doesn’t take a purse on first dates, ditched one guy because: “He didn’t even like the goat’s cheese.”
Then came a 200-mile train journey to a catastrophic date with Tyrone who said she had “big legs”, nibbled her ear and called her “stuck up” for not reciprocating before dancing off into the night alone to the music in his head.
Diversity’s “big-haired, body-popping man-child” Perri Kiely’s idea of an adult date, having “never chatted up a girl or had a girlfriend”, is going for a milkshake or ice-skating.
He genuinely feared “wine and dine” meant you were obliged to drink wine.
Joey Essex was partnered with a cougar who wanted to dress him as a pony and hurdle around her room.
The only prospect of a second date from the entire week is for Hollyoaks’ Jorgie Porter who tearfully began by telling dating agents Nadia and Eden: “It would be great to find someone who loves me for me. I have no trust in men.”
Stark contrast to her saying tearfully on First Dates in 2015: “I would just like someone to love me for who I am. It’s difficult to trust that guys want to be with me.”
One person, however, is making this series utterly hellish —Stephen Bear, the classless piece of trash who won Celebrity Big Brother last year by smashing all the eggs and making everyone’s lives a misery.
He’s no better here. An appalling booking.
Bear is vulgar, crude and plays girls against each other to the point of snogging one at the mixer meet-and-greet and then asking out another moments later while smeared with her blue lipstick.
He ran out on his third date after 8min 36sec, leaving a note for her with the waiter: “I left the chicken in the oven.”
In fact, he’d be the ruin of this show, if it wasn’t for the fact it’s known he’s no longer filming, an irate Nadia and Eden gave him the rollicking he deserved and because of Rob Beckett’s cutting voiceover — Bear: “I’m single.”
His date Stacey: “And why would that be?”
Rob: “I’ve got a list here if you want to see it.”
My biggest bugbear (no pun intended), though, is his forgetfulness of basic personal details, such as with Kelly: “I can’t remember the bird’s name I’ve asked out. I like the sound of Blondie and Bear.”
I like the sound of Bear and Trap.
Can’t always have what we want, can we?
Last Week Tonight With John Oliver’s return.
EastEnders’ writers actually giving dwarf Donna the line: “My day might be looking up.”
The textbook This Morning feature: “I talk to the dead via my possessed dolls.”
The name of C4 naturism docu The Great British Skinny Dip’s dubbing mixer Stephen O’Toole and film editor Kate Spankie.
Tipping Point’s question: “In the periodic table, what is the only element whose name ends with the letter L?” Contestant: “Silver.”
And Tuesday’s episode themes: “My cheating wife told me I’m not the dad, then kicked me out!” and: “My cheating ex is a bad mum — she hasn’t seen our daughter for seven months!” proving nothing does Valentine’s Day quite like The Jeremy Kyle Show.
Hollywood disappearing up its own self-important backside, along with Stephen Fry’s nose, at The Baftas.
Tattoo Fixers having a Valentine’s Special.
The Jump’s only hope Bradley Wiggins selfishly withdrawing with a broken leg.
Granny Lorraine spending £1,120 of The Great British Benefits Handout’s £26,000 lump sum, in exchange for signing off, on botox.
Donald Trump on Celebrity Apprentice USA: “Don’t forget, somebody will get fired.” (Hmm, the way it’s going, Mr President, I think the correct term is “impeached”.)
And the imminent arrival of Celebrity Sex Pod, with Geordie Shore, Towie and Ex on the Beach “stars” discussing their bedroom issues. No thank you. Off for a break. Column returns in a fortnight.