BRINGING “a ray of sunshine” to Wednesday nights, the continuity woman lied, “BBC1’s brand new comedy is about to take off”.

And immediately crash land, taking out the Holiday Inn Express, at the end of the runway.

The offending jumbo, occupying that coveted 10.45pm midweek graveyard slot, is alleged sitcom SunTrap which signalled its intentions with this opening joke: “Sir, can I see your passport?”

“Probably not. It’s in my pocket.”

And if you don’t believe that’s as good as it got, I present exhibit B: “There was me thinking you were jealous of Donald’s relationship with his parrot.”

“Everything wasn’t perfect between those two.”

“Trouble in PARROT-dise?”

Yes, I’m afraid that really happened. And you were right to flinch.

A bit of perspective, though. SunTrap is not as diabolical as previous BBC1 disasters Ben Elton’s The Wright Way or Jason Byrne’s Father Figure.

It is, however, as bad as Big Top.

Surprising, given the acting and comic talent it has going for it — Bradley Walsh, Fonejacker’s Kayvan Novak, Emma Pierson and guests including Jack Dee, Tracy-Ann Oberman and Clive Swift.

The setting isn’t a problem either — undercover reporter Woody (Novak) forced on the run escapes to Spanish island and helps ex-mentor Brutus (Walsh) solve mysteries.

The cast do their best but they’re lumbered with lines so bad they don’t come close to salvaging this mess, whose blame lies solely with writers Neil Webster and Charlie Skelton.

Lowering myself to their gag level, it’s less Benidorm, more Beni-YAWN. (I’m sorry.) They’ve made the critical mistake of feeling the need to explain their own jokes, which, when that’s done ironically, is TV gold (see Alan Partridge).

Here, though, the one-too-many lines of dialogue ruin the punchlines: “Whereabouts are you from?”

“Havana.”

“I don’t know the Spanish mainland very well.”

“It’s in Cuba.”

WE KNOW. WE GOT IT.

They’ve dispensed with wit and replaced it with two main strands of comedy attack, both of which fail miserably — alliteration (“I’d better borrow your bunny as a bluff if you’ll bestow your blessing) and the real mood killer, relentless sentence repetition in the hope some of it magically becomes funny.

So we had tiresome dialogue that forgot its aim was to make people laugh, like this: “You won’t even know I’m there. Unless you come and visit me. In which case you’ll know I’m there. Unless I’m not there. In which you won’t know I’m there.”

And this… funeral director Colin (Swift): “My brother recently passed away.”

Melody (Pierson): “Oh, I’m sorry for your loss.”

Colin: “Thank you. And I’m sorry for your loss.”

Woody: “Thank you. And I’m sorry for your loss.”

Colin: “Thank you. And I’m sorry for your loss.”

Woody: “Thank you. And… ”

And on and on it went. It wasn’t even the most moronic instance.

That particular title goes to this row between Woody and ex-wife Beverly (Oberman): “Shut up, Woody.”

“No, you shut up.”

“No, you shut up.”

“No, you shut up.”

“No, you shut up.”

No. All of you. If your careers mean anything to you.

Shush.

Spudulikes…

Broadchurch US remake Gracepoint’s much better ending.

The funniest Murder In Successville yet, with the real Kimberly Wyatt and “bum doctor” Barack Obama.

Old Men Grooving lifting a dismal Britain’s Got Talent final.

Anthony McPartlin’s golden words: “Here with his last ever TV performance, it’s Michael Flatley.” (Promise?) Bob Monkhouse: Million Joke Man, on Gold: “I know I’m old. My wife’s see-through nightie is now bifocal.”

This Springwatch exchange… Michaela Strachan: “Connecting with wildlife always restores me. It rejuvenates my soul and completely takes the stress away. It’s so important to connect with wildlife every single day.” Martin Hughes-Games: “Shall we look at poo?”

And Celebrity Squares revealing: “According to UK law, it’s illegal to beat your rug on the street.” Which is why Bruce Forsyth spends so much time in Puerto Rico.

Spuduhates…

Britain’s Got Talent conning viewers by not mentioning the winning dog’s stunt double.

BGT winner Jules O’Dwyer claiming she and Matisse never pretended to be a double act, despite Declan Donnelly introducing them as “the most entertaining double act on this year’s show”.

Springwatch flailing in beaver puns and gibberish like: “It’s almost like he’s part of Strictly Come Stickleback, isn’t it?”

Big Brother putting self-pitying exhibitionist Simon “Showbiz” Gross back into the house with the lie: “I’ve got more to offer than just mincing around shouting ‘Showbiz!’ all day.”

And The One Show serial line-fluffer Alex Jones to Mick Hucknall: “Now, one of your tracks, Money Too… Mon… Money’s Too Ter… you see, that link was going to be so slick.” Don’t kid yourself, Al.