MICHAEL PEARLMAN SAYS: Time for clubs to use their misery to exploit our hateful natures
9:31am Tuesday 6th May 2014 in Sport
ANY child of the 80s or parent unfortunate enough to have a football obsessed kid will doubtless recall the huge market that opened in the Premier League era for horrendous football videos and DVDs.
Friends of mine from school will recall days spent wasted devouring volume six of Danny Baker’s Own Goals and Gaffes and a particularly dismal afternoon spent watching a video that largely existed to explain why Lee Sharpe did the ‘Sharpey shuffle’ when he scored. It was even less entertaining than his appearance on Love Island with Paul Danan.
There has and presumably will continue to be a market for all things football and I’ve come up with a million dollar idea for the next craze in football DVDs.
Inspired recently by examples of hatred far outweighing the enjoyment you get from your own team, it’s high time we got themed DVDs documenting clubs and their worst ever humiliations and failures.
Everton have enjoyed a great season, but I bet many Toffees champagne moment of the campaign will end up being Steven Gerrard’s slip.
It’s been a season of woe for Swansea overall, but a DVD with five minutes of highlights of their win at the Mestalla and then three hours of Vincent Tan-inspired comedy in the capital would sell like hot cakes along the Mumbles mile.
If Hull win the FA Cup final that will be my best Spurs moment of the season and if Arsenal produced a DVD of their worst horrors, from Birmingham to Nayim with Bradford in between, that’s taking pride of place in my collection alongside Jermain Defoe’s 101 best goals (from eight years ago).
We live in a post-Tim Lovejoy society where the benchmark for quality on anything pertaining to the beautiful game is about as low as Bristol Rovers fans feel at the moment.
So why don’t the clubs swallow their pride and make themselves even more money?
Cheer up the Gas by producing an anthology of your worst ever moments, Bristol City. Every club with a hated rival could be making a packet.
We all know football fans to their core are hateful and resentful of others’ success and we are also now conditioned to buy any old rubbish you throw our way.
It’s time to exploit that. If Arsenal have not released at least three volumes of every moment of melancholy in their history by next Christmas and Spurs don’t fund their next overpriced flop by compiling their horror moments (voice over by Danny Dyer or Piers Morgan), I’ll be extremely disappointed.
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