GARY Busey has had quite the remarkable life.
Well, I say “life”. He’s actually shared 32 past lifetimes with his fiancée, if you take his chat with a Strictly reject, on day seven in the Celebrity Big Brother house, at face value.
They were the “parents of Constantine, the Roman Emperor who took Christianity to Istanbul”, you see.
The couple were “both together at Mayan temples”.
“We weren’t together when I fought for the freedom of Texas at the Alamo.”
No, because that would be ridiculous.
Especially as: “I was killed in that battle on March 6, 1836, and born again in 1944.”
If the box-of-frogs alarms are going off in your head, prepare yourself for a shock.
He’s not even the most unhinged one in there, one of many reasons why CBB XIV is on course to eclipse January’s epic CBB XIII, with Lee Ryan and Casey Batchelor, as the greatest.
Busey is outdone on the fruit-loop scale by Angelique “Frenchy” Morgan who made the phrase “bunny boiler” redundant on Saturday night.
You can call her “pants slasher” after taking scissors to a pair of Will & Grace actor Leslie Jordan’s briefs and provoking the most extraordinary line in this show’s history, as he held up the shredded evidence in the diary room...
“Can I get some assurance from Big Brother I don’t have to be afraid that I’m going to be stabbed?”
For his part, 4ft 11in Jordan is among a star-spangled supporting cast. He’s Woody Allen meets Barney Rubble.
Either that or a retired member of the Ant Hill Mob, I haven’t quite decided.
What I am certain of, though, is the irrelevance of the younger contestants, like Towie’s Lauren Goodger whose solitary contribution has been piddling in the pool and receiving this wonderful rebuke from Big Brother: “How old are you, Lauren?”
Channel 5’s chosen torch-bearer, transgender Kellie Maloney, is a disappointingly stroppy, short-fused, nasty piece of work whose £400,000 fee isn’t as rich as some of the stuff coming out of her mouth: “Leslie suffers from small-man syndrome. There’s a dark side to him.”
CBB can do without her.
Busey and ballroom bully James Jordan, on the other hand, are indispensible.
The Strictly strutting ego reckons he’s “the Brad Pitt of the dance world” and patronises everyone to within an inch of their life: “I’m just trying to educate you again, Gary.”
“Good luck, buddy.”
Mr Ola Jordan has taken Lord of The Flies levels of hateful, snidey glee in dominating heavyweight boxer Audley Harrison into a shrinking, frustrated, beta-male corner.
That’s almost as surprising as host Emma Willis growing so naturally into her role, delivering this putdown to David “Tornado from Gladiators” McIntosh in Wednesday’s live eviction interview: “You don’t cover up very much, do you? You’re a man who likes to show off his body.
“The weather really changed when you went in there – you could have totally covered up.”
This show begins and ends, however, with Busey: “I refuse to be bored. I don’t get bored. I have a way out of that quick.
“It’s called thoughts, meditation, prayer... and honking like a goose. Hoy-OOONK!”
There’s no arguing with that.
Barry Davies’s commentary comeback with the old-school graphics on MOTD’s 50th.
The One Show going seamlessly from Paul O’Grady’s dog anecdotes to a piece about ISIS.
Dogs: Their Secret Lives’ Mark Evans describing a Great Dane, named Thor, as: “The canine equivalent of a small Viking horse.”
Peter Capaldi's encouraging Doctor Who debut, despite the terrible storyline.
And the extraordinary fuss over a heavily bearded Scotsman presenting a bin as his showstopper on BBC1’s fairy cakes contest. Now, if we can all please get over it and move on.
TV’s sudden obsession with deathly dull school-leavers’ proms.
Newsnight’s dimmm-witted spelling of “NATO Commmander”.
Simon Cowell rewriting history by claiming on ITV2’s X Factor: The Boss Is Back that showing auditions was his brainwave, when Popstars was doing it years before he was on the scene.
This Morning fashion expert Darren Kennedy’s tips for staying dry amounting to wearing a hat (“It saves you hunting around for an umbrella if you get stuck out in the rain”) and a coat (“Whip it off if the sun comes out.”) Plus Dr Ranj’s health tip: “It’s important to get your blood pressure checked if you’re passing out or falling over a lot.”
And the abysmal Strictly line-up with Andy Murray’s mum, Mark Wright, a Casualty medic and This Morning’s prize competition announcer. So congratulations, X Factor, on winning 2014’s Saturday night showdown.