If the shoe fits...

Last Saturday afternoon I took up the shopping cudgel and went with son of, to buy a pair of trainers, he usually takes size 5 my partner said, but they're tight, he is growing out of them again. I entered a shop called Shoe Express, and without looking at any shoes, I first asked the assistant if she could MEASURE son of, to determine exact size, from thenceforth, I would then select a pair within my price range and with perhaps a bit of colour or flair who knows ?

This as Spock would say, is the ultimate and logical approach (Although flair is an essential human expression and has no direct bearing on functionality)... Said assistant looked puzzled, disappeared for 10 mins came back with a block of wood with a tape measure stuck on it, after 5 minutes she said triumphantly, "Size SIX", so I had a look around selected a pair I and my sparse wallet would approve of , and tried them on, they were too SMALL ....

I then selected no less than 9 other pairs of various width size 6s, including a natty number with sequins (but enough of my preferences), to no avail, so not size 6 then ? I suggested to the counter assistant.. "The gauge doesn't lie," she bleated.... so my son's feet have grown while we have been making a shoe selection ? If they do that in 10 mins, We better get out before they get too big to go out the door... ..

I picked up a pair of size 7 and viola !!! they fitted OK, you shall go to the ball Cinders ! and they allowed for a bit of growth, as per guidelines. The size 7 they had that did fit, however didn't meet with son of's approval, "OI !", I pointed out, "I am paying, I ; do the approving," (There, that's telling them)... I lost that argument, but undeterred, I went into FIVE other shoe shops (They breed here in Newport apparently, must be that Usk water or something), and found, a size 5 in one was too BIG, a size 6 in another too small, a size 7 in yet another he could get BOTH feet into, have room to party, and make a comfortable living renting the other one out to Hungarian lettuce pickers.....

I ended up back at shoe express with the size 7 there. Why, do shops publish a size, than you get 6 variations on that size, and they STILL don't fit ? how are us mere males supposed to know, that when you ask for a size then it dep ends WHERE you go, what that size IS ? Did you know ? (I didn't !), Adidas fives are too small, Nike fives fit nicely, but you need to mortgage your house, and Reebok fives are too big ? but they're always bragging anyway. The cheap and cheerful shops that flog trainers for a fiver apparently w ill only fit Mongolian Midgets, Nellie the Elephant, or those with two right feet, two left feet, or Long John Silver...

They also had these funny euro numbers on them, buy six pairs and c all house.... even that didn't help, a size 40 !!!! bluddy ell, what that's in bacon burgers ? so these shoe shops are flouting Euro rules as well ? zut alore's ! American '42s' are apparently 50 somethings.... My partner later clarified, "Don't be silly ! it's like dress, or any clothes sizes etc, shops cater for a clientèle (not customers then ?), if you went in Clarks or wherever, then a size can vary according to which client they want to attract, if they don't like your jacket, then you won't get a shoe to fit you either, or if they are an old dodder like you. They want YOUNG,Tre ndy, RICH, adventurous men and women about town (In Newport ? adventure here is Lime with your lager...), and prepared to diet till they drop, worry about chicken with Lime and cabbage fillings, and drink blue nun...not, Carling Black Label devotees...in half's, with a belly that Jonah would never have emerged from......

E.G.a size 10-12 dress could be a size 8 somewhere else (?), Beckham's missus has a size zero, that costs about £3,000 a throw.... (?), you won't find that in C&A's... (or find a C&A's so they tell me..). Men's trousers are usually OK, but the legs are modeled on a Giraffe, I always have to hack about 3ft off the bottom of mine, or tuck the waistband under my chin...

I managed to get a pair of trainers in the end for my lad, but think shopping, is only for the illogical.... hence why women do it.... I'm sure it's women shop assistants who probably drop the l abels on the floor then stick them on the nearest shoe and dress too. "Ere Gertie, let's have a laugh, put a size 14 label on that size 8 and we'll watch them struggling to try it on lolololol !! then we can offload those size 24s we got hanging about....It's a spectator sport isn't it ? a way to break the boredom of a shop assistants day....

I found out that size 7 in the UK, is size 25.5 in Japan (Perhaps they do wear them sideways ?), size 6 in Mexico (Ole !), size 40 in Europe, size 9 in the USA, size 254 (Blimmin 'eck !), in Korea (no wonder they want to invade the South, and nuke Washington they really ARE too big for their boots), and size 7 in Russia, although they could be 38, 39 or 40 take your pick.... nobody is going to argue with people that put plutonium in their tea, and glow in the dark.... I think it's the fact most clothes come from China, they never forgave us for Tetley's tea bags .&n bsp; For the larger ladies, an. Asda size 18 dress, is almost a size 20, but a Tesco size 18 - is more economical it's a 14.....

Dont get me going on EU sizing where a UK 5 is apparently an EU 7. I distinctly recall when I was a nipper (I'd bite your ankles), I'd be taken to a shoe shop, measured properly and shoes would actually fit.... now It's like mens Jackets, all they need i s a few guide ropes and you could camp in them, or you're a walking advert for some obscure American baseball team.... we NEVER had this issue before metrication did we ?