Christmas the season of goodwill? We can only hope. NIGEL JARRETT thinks the annual generation game can be trouble-free, give or take a spot of planning

PREPARATIONS are under way in millions of homes as families decide whether to court disaster by inviting everyone around for Christmas, or wait for an invitation from someone else.

There's more mayhem, bad feeling and general domestic strife at Yuletide than we care to admit - just ask the police.

Grandparents can take the lead and be the civilising influence here, though they tend to be the ones waiting for an invitation from grateful sons and daughters.

The problem with large families and their Christmas get-togethers lies in creating the guest list so as not to give offence.

In most cases, of course, everyone can come to terms with the arrangements, but problems arise when families have been following some kind of rota and those members with long memories are acutely sensitive to anything that resembles a snub.

That Christmas Day decision about where to go or whom to invite, innocent in itself, may reinforce divisions that otherwise could have gone unspoken.

What families need is one or two people to take charge early on and contact those members who may be thinking about what to do at Christmas but are congenitally incapable of organising anything.

Let the leaders come up with a plan which shouldn't involve more than two families - for example, grandparents, parents, grandchildren and the relative who lives alone - find out what arrangements have already been made and then get everyone to agree.

If you've never invited Cousin Arthur and his wife, Enid, from St Athan for the simple reason that they always happily spend Christmas with other branches of the family, they obviously won't be offended.

But if you are a mum and dad with a married son or daughter, your kids' in-laws need to be counted in, unless they are planning to play host to you, in which case you simply need to arrive at a consensus.

Once the guest list is sorted to everyone's satisfaction, and if you are the one who is playing host, there remains the problem of organising the day.

Whether grandparent or parent, make sure that:

l Everyone likes what's for lunch and knows what time it is being served.

l Ample seating and space is provided, including that for grandchildren who don't want to watch TV from the Queen's Christmas message to midnight.

l The TV is switched on when everyone is gagging to watch it.

l You don't monopolise the grandchildren (unless their parents are only too happy for you to do so) or you don't treat the grandparents as if they were wooden effigies in the corner.

l You defer to the parents when the kids are making unreasonable demands.

l You don't force party games on everyone unless they are up for it.

l Family disputes are not hinted at or resurrected.

l You organise a walk, if it's fine, in order to give the household a break.

Should all this still sound daunting, arrange to spend Christmas abroad. If you dare.