All those in favour of old-school punishment and short, sharp justice will have been salivating at last night’s 9pm hour of telly.

ITV’s Bring Back Borstal sent a bunch of cocky, good-for-nothing troublemakers to a secure compound for a few weeks, as payback from society, to slap them out of their misguided ways.

Unfortunately Channel 5 beat them to it by 24 hours with the launch of Celebrity Big Brother XV and its “shiny new cast of famous faces”.

Plus Chloe Goodman and Cami Li.

Who?

Goodman: “I was on reality TV show Ex On The Beach. I was the controversial one.”

Thanks for clarifying. We were all no doubt confusing her with the other contestants on that show we didn’t watch.

Cami Li: “I’m most well known for being an alternative tattoo model.”

Which is why Wikipedia’s never heard of her. Try again.

“I was engaged to Kirk Norcross.” The berk from Towie? Well why didn’t you say, A-lister?

There are, though, some genuinely big names befitting of the promising Twisted Fairytale theme.

As Emma Willis said: “The house has had a magical transformation and is now fit for a princess, a charming prince and, let’s be honest, probably a couple of trolls and an ugly sister.”

Speaking of which…

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the least convincing, claptrap-billowing, self-promoting rent-a-gob of them all?

Why if it isn’t housemate number one, Katie Hopkins, who entered claiming: “I’m not a panto villain,” while playing the requisite panto villain role to perfection, belittling the booing crowd with: “Bless them with their little football tops.”

She was given the first-night secret task through the Enchanted Mirror, an inanimate object that follows in the rich Big Brother tradition of the Tree of Temptation, the grandfather clock from which Jasmine Waltz reemerged to humiliate cheating Lee Ryan, and Ricci Guarnaccio.

Loathe her or hate her, Hopkins is a good if obvious signing, summing up both Jeremy Jackson, who played The Hoff’s lad in Baywatch, and her own staggering lack of self-awareness with: “He was on telly pretending to be the son of someone and he’s here now being a prat. If that’s all it takes to be on Celebrity Big Brother, that’s a pretty low bar.”

Says the star of TLC’s My Fat Story.

The line-up does have weakness. There’s celebrity leech Perez Hilton, obligatory Loose Woman Nadia Sawalha, cosmetic surgery fanatic Alicia Douvall and Patsy Kensit, who breaches the terms and conditions of entry by actually being famous.

But, as the last two sensational series have proved, CBB gets right what I’m A Celebrity gets so hideously wrong — the casting.

We have the joint bankers of reality show circuit veterans and washed-up has-beens aplenty.

Alexander O’Neal could be box office (or invisible). Kavana carries the desired pop wreckage. Michelle Visage is “here to represent the queens, the gays, the freaks, the misfits”, so knows the show.

Ken Morley, from the double glazing ads, has “an extremely volatile temper” and was great on C4’s Celebrity Five Go To Lanzarote.

And Cheggers is a housemate long coming who asked: “Am I a guilty pleasure?”

Possibly, Keith. But not half as much as Celeb Big Brother.

Bring on the borstal.

This week’s Couch Potato Spudulikes…

Broadchurch’s opener teeing up the improbable feat of matching series one.

BBC2’s World Darts Championships.

Gary Anderson beating both an unkind board and Phil “The Power” Taylor in Sky Sports’ World Darts Championship’s epic 7-6 final. Plus spectator Jake “Max Branning” Wood’s “I killed Lucy” sign.

C4’s Walking The Nile with explorer Levison Wood robbed by armed bandits in Tanzania’s badlands before the first ad break and travelling companion Matt Power dying from heatstroke before the end of episode one.

This Morning’s Martin Lewis announcing: “We know most New Year resolutions last about as long as a Big Brother contestant’s celebrity career,” within earshot of Rylan Clark.

And a voiceover man declaring: “2015 on BBC3. It looks like a pretty good year to me.” You mean a year when BBC3 gets axed from telly? It certainly does.

This week’s Couch Potato Spuduhates…

Puritanical BBC apologising for Rita Ora showing an ounce of flesh on The One Show.

Newsnight running out of people to interview with “C4 Election Night’s” Jeremy Paxman. (Presumably Russell Brand was busy.)

TV adverts, like Finish dishwasher tablets, masquerading as news reports.

ITV2 thinking it needs actors and subterfuge on its Blue Go Mad In Ibiza wind-up to make the boyband look idiotic (see Lee Ryan).

This Morning’s “upcycling your Christmas leftovers” featuring animals created from that most festive of object, plastic milk bottles.

Roxy naming Ronnie’s baby CJ, as in “Charlie Jr” and not, disappointingly, after Pamela Anderson’s Baywatch character.

And TLC’s pointless Katie Hopkins: My Fat Story with the chubber-hater’s line during a 1kg burger eating challenge: “It’s just like an endless thing that does not go away.” Isn’t she just.