SO, THIS horribly misguided hypnosis game show nonsense that’s polluted our Saturday night telly for the last four weeks.

Unless everything you see is 100 per cent genuine and the contestants truly are having their brains “hacked” to obey the subliminal commands then ITV’s You’re Back In The Room fails on every level.

Because if they are, as I suspect, even slightly exaggerating their actions consciously, then you might as well dispense with the entire format, starting with hypnotist Keith Barry, and just get five shameless exhibitionists to lark around for an hour doing stupid stuff.

Now I’m no expert in the ancient mystic art of getting a bunch of chumps to make chronic fools of themselves in a trance on stage.

In fact I’ve never attended a holiday camp cabaret night, where this kind of entertainment belongs, when it’s been the headline act.

And I say that as a man who once sat through a set by Chico, at Minehead Butlins.

So I know the meaning of suffering at these places.

All I can do then, is present a dossier of doubt that I’ve been compiling from the worst tv show so far of 2015, that could at best be described as “possible exhibitionism”, and at its worst “blatant play-acting for the cameras”.

Episode one. Kate believes she’s madly in love with host Phillip Schofield, and he with her (in her “hypnotised” mind), yet not once during his down-on-one-knee marriage proposal does she try to kiss him, even when they embrace.

Episode two. The suspicious lack of contestants’ surnames that denies us Googling them is exposed when one turns out to be a career stage performer who, according to his website, plays a “comic character”.

That happens to be the same comic character who dances around the stage like a demented ballerina to the 007 and Flashdance movie theme tunes as instructed beforehand by Keith Barry.

Episode three. Only the two contestants taking part in the bushtucker trial are told to think the marshmallows and chocolates they’re eating are wichetty grubs and fish eyes, yet the other three watching on are equally repulsed.

Episode four. Anna-Maria in the opening game “won’t believe a single word anybody says”, yet by a remarkable coincidence she’s the only person any of the other contestants talk to during the entire round.

Coming out of a trance from the pizza toppings game with “no knowledge what’s just happened”.

If I was the bloke sat next to Ray who’s smeared tomato puree on his face because he thinks it’s make-up, my first reaction would be utter horror, screaming and escaping what appeared to be a man with a bloodied Hannibal Lector face mask.

Jonnie, however, simply pointed and laughed.

Above all, the killer blow was Helen at the start two weeks ago giving away a bit too much eagerness: “It means a lot to us tonight to have as much fun as we possibly can, just to really go for it.”

Schofield asked Keith Barry last Saturday: “Can you tell if someone is faking it?”

Yes, Phillip.

They’ve probably got a “I Went Under On You’re Back In The Room But Came Out On Top” trophy sitting proudly on their mantelpiece.

Now snap out of it, ITV.

Three, two, one…

Spudulikes

Mad Men.

Code of a Killer.

Bafta’s nominations ignoring The X Factor.

Last Week Tonight With John Oliver: “Julian Assange is not a likeable man. Even Benedict Cumberbatch could not make him likeable. He is un-Cumberbatchable. That was supposed to be physically impossible.”

Kyle “the IT guy” saving the day by lighting fire through Paul’s glasses and the alpha-gorilla war between Paul and grumpy, “mid-life crisis” Andy on C4’s excellent The (Men’s) Island With Bear Grylls.

The One Show’s Alex Jones with an inadvertent reality check to Ricky Wilson on The Voice winner Stevie McCrorie’s future: “For the last time will you introduce him, please?”

And this scheduling of the week. Sunday, 9pm, Gold channel, Groundhog Day. Monday, 2.45pm, Gold channel… yeah, you know where this is going.

Spuduhates

ITV removing Thunderbirds Are Go from Saturday night after one faithful, high-tempo episode.

The massively disappointing Fortitude finale.

ITV refusing to accept Dancing On Ice’s merciful death by getting Torvill & Dean to put on a meaningless kids’ skating show nobody wants on Ice Rink On The Estate.

C4 defeating the aim of The (Women’s) Island With Bear Grylls by casting “frightened of everything” Jaime and hairdresser Jayde who quit after 48 hours because she broke a fingernail.

And EastEnders attempting to marry Stan and Cora with an illegal one day’s public notice at an unlicensed hospice room in a civil ceremony conducted against the law by a vicar. Oh, and Stan’s a bigamist. Apart from that, it was all above board.