WHAT is the last thing you need from TV after nearly four months of relentless X Factor?

The very obvious answer is another Saturday night singing contest.

Well, fear not, citizens. Instead we have TWO Saturday night singing contests.

So let’s start with the positives, which are all to be found at The Voice, a plodding, bum-scratching beast that had long given up the will to entertain on the BBC.

So it’s quite the surprise that the move to ITV has come with a new lease of life, thanks to classy new coaches Gavin Rossdale and Jennifer Hudson, the absence of Marvin Snooze and an absolutely belting auditionee, Mo.

But the real difference maker is the sudden lack of faff that quite a simple format tweak has produced — the chairs remain facing away if no one turns.

It means we don’t have to suffer the rigmarole of the coaches letting the rejects down gently/lying to their faces that they should continue pursuing their dream because there’s a gap in the market for a caterwauling jackal.

If that’s your thing, may I point you in the direction of Let It Shine, which host Graham Norton hailed as: “Gary Barlow bringing the worlds of TV talent shows, boybands and musical theatre together in one glorious spectacular.”

Which is one way of looking at it.

Another is Gary Barlow persuading BBC1 to fund the casting of his new stage show plugging Take That’s back catalogue and publicising it on primetime telly for two months, while they pay him for the privilege.

Which wouldn’t be so objectionable if the show wasn’t so diabolically beige and nicey-nice.

So instead of the necessary: “You can’t sing,” it’s all: “You’re not right/ready for this show.”

As the BBC has repeatedly proved from Fame Academy onwards, it is incapable of making this kind of programme.

Let It Shine, like many before it, falls between the stools of The Voice’s quality singers and X Factor’s comedy have-a-goers.

The depth of talent just isn’t there, and when it does occasionally raise its head, like with Jason Brock, they’re already in the industry: “I’m currently in Thriller Live in the West End.”

The judges — Barlow, Dannii Minogue, Martin Kemp and guest Amy Riley — look like a job interview panel having just asked: “How would you best describe the ethos of our company?”

And if you thought BBC1’s The Voice used to drag, Let It Shine is a lesson in time-filling.

We had just two auditions in the first 28 minutes and all manner of backstage pratting around in Mel Giedroyc’s “Common Room” with contestants playing arcade games and darts and chewing the fat with Take That’s Howard and Mark who float around aimlessly.

There’s even a Surprise Surprise segment — Gary Barlow turning up at a cafe to give a superfan an invitation to audition.

If somehow you think all of this is still forgivable because at least Let It Shine is something new, there are two factors you may have forgotten.

Andrew Lloyd Webber was doing exactly this on BBC1 a decade ago.

And we’ve already had a stage musical based on Take That’s songs, Never Forget, which closed in 2009 after ticket sales flopped.

Good luck with THAT, Gary.

Spudulikes…

Celeb Big Brother’s unexpected development: “4.58pm. Some of the housemates are mummifying James Jordan.”

One presidential election making Celebrity Apprentice USA, an otherwise irrelevant 2013 American reality series on BBC1 after midnight, unmissable, where every line from Donald Trump now has a whole new context.

And ITV’s Sugar Free Farm, with Ann Widdecombe herding sheep: “Ah-oop! Ah-oop! That didn’t work. Woo! I’m a big bad wolf! Woo! I’m a big bad wolf!” and Gemma Collins admitting: “I think my downfall is fizzy drinks. And bread. And the odd cake here and there.” And sweets. And the odd crisp. And chocolate. And the lard…

Spuduhates…

ITV’s pointless Dance Dance Dance suffering an avalanche of TV’s most overused word, “iconic” — seven and counting.

Highly strung Celeb Big Brother nightmare Stacy Francis.

C5’s Extreme Sea Monsters narrator, 8.02pm: “This investigation into the existence of marine monsters will search oceans’ depths, faraway shores and infamous lochs to find answers.” Narrator, 8.57pm, on a “low rumbling growl” recorded in Loch Ness: “For now it’s yet another unanswered question in the hunt for the Loch Ness Monster.” Mystery solved.

And this Celebrity Apprentice USA exchange — contestant Brande Roderick: “Bret (Michaels) said he was ‘stacked’.” Donald Trump: “What does ‘stacked’ mean. If it was a woman I would know what it means.” The leader of the free world, folks, a week today.